Through
the past week of P2 (pregnancy #2), I've been keeping track of the same
symptoms as before and the things that are different. Today, I thought,
let me do some research and see what is typically happening out there
when women go for round 2.
First of all, here's what I'm experiencing so far:
Back pain - FAR worse than last time and much earlier
Nausea - earlier, but less extreme (so far, here's hopin')
Frequent urination - MUCH earlier!!!
Breast tenderness - more severe, same timing
Appetite
- Well, first time, I had no appetite for 20 weeks, lost 17 lbs. This
time, I want to eat everything in sight and ALL the time, but only
gained 1 lb so far, so we'll see on that
Cravings - MUCH earlier, more extreme
Headaches - earlier, but not as bad, so far
Nose Bleeds/Stuffy Nose - earlier, only had 2 nosebleeds so far, definitely already stuffy
Thirst
- much less extreme. This was one symptom that sticks out to me as an
early sign during the first pregnancy. I simply could not get enough
water, I was always thirsty. This is the first symptom I remember having
that tipped me off as weird, because it doesn't happen during a typical
menstrual cycle. I haven't experienced this much at all so far
Abdominal "Thickening" - I call it good ol' bloating, much earlier, same severity so far
Fatigue - earlier, less severe than first time, so far
Insomnia - WAAAAY earlier. Seriously? I can't sleep at night, already???
Cramping - none first time, quite a bit so far this time
So, here's some info I found to confirm my wondering about such early symptoms:
Every
pregnancy is unique in the sense that it would bring about some
symptoms which were not experienced in the earlier pregnancies. But many
of the symptoms can be the same, the difference being the time they are
experienced. Some of the symptoms can be experienced a month earlier
while some others, a month later. The intensity of these pregnancy symptoms can
also vary and it can be more or less. The early signs of a pregnancy
the second time round can be different. Some of the first symptoms of a
second pregnancy are:
Fatigue – As
your body has endured the great strains of a pregnancy already, the
raised high level of progesterone would make you tired earlier. While in
your first pregnancy,
the same rise of progesterone would have brought tiredness a month
after conception, the second time round; it might come about a week
after conception.
Spotting – Cramping
and spotting is experienced but these symptoms can be taken to mean the
usual periods. This happens six to 12 days prior to fertilisation, in
which period, the embryo gets attached to the wall of the uterus.
Pregnancy bump comes earlier – As
your abdominal muscles have already been stretched, it is normal that
your pregnancy bump starts to show earlier this time. You will need to
wear maternity clothing earlier. But the bump would not grow larger than
the previous time.
Less conscious of your pregnancy week – In
your first pregnancy, you would be very conscious of looking after
yourself, and would have taken care to prepare yourself emotionally for
the delivery. In case of pregnancy the second time around, many moms
lose the focus, inclination or the energy to be so concerned. They often
forget even their week of pregnancy. That is why second time pregnancies do not feel as long as the first one for many women.
Headaches – Similar
to fatigue, headaches can also start early in the second pregnancy with
the rise in progesterone level. It would be for apparently no reason.
After conception, headaches can start soon.
Weight gain – While,
it is not unusual for a woman to not have any noticeable symptoms in
the first pregnancy, earlier weight gain is one of the symptoms of a
second pregnancy. The thickening of pregnant women’s midsection happens
earlier in the second pregnancy. This is because the muscles of the
woman have already been stretched before and so, they relax and stretch
easily.
So,
that seems to account for some things (assurance I'm not crazy or weird
is nice). It made sense overall that because this body already did it
once, it would be quicker to change than last time, but its nice to
confirm my suspicions. Having that assurance can really help. For
example, my friend in New York, told me last month that she had more
cramping this time around (she is also on her second) in the beginning,
and I must say that that would have been the most worrisome new symptom,
because I'd associate cramping with shedding the lining of the uterus
and therefore losing the pregnancy, if I didn't know that its normal the
second time around. It's not something I experienced at the beginning
if my first pregnancy. Although, it was associated with the loss of the
pregnancy last month, I'm still not worried about that symptom at all,
just knowing that it's a common second pregnancy thing. So, thanks to
the Internet (and my P2 veteran friend) for easing my mind!
I figure it could help me and maybe someone else, if I document my process of having a second child! That's right, we're doing it, again. Even though, I SWORE that I wouldn't... lol I have to say, I never forgot what the first experience was like, instead I had to decide to ignore what I remember. It was a nightmare. Much of the pregnancy, the labor, and much of the beginning of the new little guy's life. I knew deep down that I wanted another biological child, but I knew even more so that I never wanted to create another one. How, oh how, I pondered, can I figure out how to give birth to a child with no pain and when he or she is already 1 year old? lol Yeah, not possible.
So, I guess I should go back a month, when D and I first started trying to get pregnant, again. We were successful, but the pregnancy was not healthy and I lost it about 3 days before my period. Now, you might wonder how on Earth I already knew that early. I can give credit for that (if credit is deserved) to two things. The first is the wonderful website www.early-pregnancy-tests.com which offers pregnancy tests at around $1 a piece, which blows the store bought $12-$17 tests out of the water as far as affordability is concerned. And, they are just as accurate, if not more so, than the store bought tests. The second thing is anxiety and depression, to be quite frank. Because I have to stop taking my medications when we start trying to get pregnant, I have to have as much precise information as I can, so that I'm not spending too much time unmedicated and not pregnant. It's a cocktail for disaster. And that's where my story starts.
If you do the math, you can figure that I was pregnant for 11 days. During that time, I quickly realized that the second time around was going to be VERY different from the first pregnancy. For example, MY BACK. OH MY GOSH, did it hurt!! And when I sneezed, I felt sharp pains in my lower abdomen. What I realized and confirmed with my OB is that because my body has already done it once, it knows what to do. More technically, my brain has developed the receptors for certain hormones, like relaxin, so that as soon as the hormone is produced, my ligaments start to loosen right away. So, the pain in my abdomen, that was the ligaments loosening and that's also why my back was killing me. But, as I said before, that pregnancy didn't last, so after 11 days of accelerated loosening, everything had to go back! So, after I lost the baby, I was sick for three days. And once I felt better physically, the depression hit me. I started back on my medications, as needed. Since, you can't know for certain when you're ovulating, I was trying to air on the safe side, by staying off my meds as much as possible, but I simply had to start back taking them as needed. I got back on Zoloft daily (considered "safe" during pregnancy), and was taking the Klonopin only as needed (not considered "safe" during pregnancy). I should mention that before this pregnancy, I hadn't had a period for three months. Don't know why! Anyway, I say that because once I started my period, it was killer. I was so depressed and my cramps were so painful (coupled with the healing back of all the loosened stuff) that I just layed around for several days. I just wasn't worth a damn. My poor son and husband, but that's it own blog.
So, fast forwarding to this month. I was religious about taking the ovulation tests (also from www.early-pregnancy-tests.com) so that I could take my meds until the last minute. I was tracking my BBT (basal body temperature) as well, so I could be as sure as possible. According to those methods, it appeared that I ovulated on 12/10/12 or 12/11/12. Well, we had TTC (tried to conceive - the nice way of saying it hehe) the night before, and because I was exhausted, that was that. We just said, well, that's close enough. lol Our sex life after having a child is another separate blog I could write. lol About 2 days later, I was nauseous. In addition, MY BACK, again. It was only at night. I had to use a heating pad in bed every night. And it wasn't just my lower back, it was my whole back. I've never experienced anything like this. Not even after working out too hard back in the day! I felt like all my back muscles were on fire! So, the point is, I knew. I told D I'm pregnant - again. After about 4 or 5 days of the intense evening back pain, it subsided, just as did the abdominal pain at sneezing. But my belly was just sticking out there!! I was bloated and I looked about 4 months pregnant, and I couldn't suck it in! It was crazy! And yesterday, that subsided some, too. The bloating, anyway.
Two mornings ago - 8 DPO (days past ovulation), I got a negative pregnancy test and I was depressed, more. Ugh, really? I had to keep remembering how much crap a lot of other people have to go through and how long it can take to become pregnant for some, to remember that two months of anxiety and depression is no price to pay for another family member. Also, it was only 7-8 DPO! When I was pregnant with DJ, I got the faintest line on a test 9 DPO, which is really the first day that any of those tests (no matter what they say) can possibly register HcG (pregnancy hormone).
So, I sucked it up and waited until this morning... it would be 9-10 DPO. And sure enough, I got that faint line! So, it looks like we're starting this ride, again. And in the midst of it all... DJ is throwing up with a fever, the poor guy! The poor mama!! lol I'll live. I'm just happy to say that - for now - we are pregnant.
Today, I am making a list. Well, two lists, and I'm doing it because I HAVE TO. All this stuff has been swimming around in my noggin since my hubs and I started considering the idea of having a second child.
I'm going to start with the cons list because, these are obviously the worrisome objects and ideas, and then I can end on a positive note with the pros. I will double-star the items that have a stronger meaning or feeling associated for me. So, without further ado...
The CONS:
* A feeling that I won't deserve help. Where does this come from? The realization now that we had NO idea what we were getting into the first time we became pregnant and now we are well aware of what we're doing by getting pregnant a second time, and since it's a conscious choice, I feel less entitled to help when I might need it.
** The thought that with just DJ, we could provide him with twice what we will be able to after we have a second child (private school, extra-curricular activities, college, etc.).
* Pregnancy -
1. Exhaustion. 2. Acne. 3. Overall sweatiness, greasiness, and grossness. 4. Physical pain. 5. Fear of the unknown. (e.g. Will I be able to continue working the whole pregnancy? Will I be high risk for any reason? Will anything be wrong with the baby?) 6. Nausea. 7. Anxiety. 8. Depression. 9. My patience (or lack thereof) with DJ.
* Post Delivery -
1. Soreness. 2. Stitches. 3. 2 weeks of bleeding, Dibucaine ointment, Tucks pads, and sanitary napkins the size of Texas. 4. Hemorrhoids. 5. Sits baths. 6. Having to deal with all of this with DJ hanging from my neck.
* Razorblades to the nipples (this is not literal, but any mothers who have nursed know what I mean).
** Being completely attached to another human being for several straight months during nursing.
* Keeping up with cloth diapers and wipes.
* Making baby food and feedings.
* Illnesses running rampant through the house and trying to deal with two kids when I'm sick.
** Will I be able to mentally handle a baby and a toddler at the same time?
* The chance that I might feel regret afterward and know that I can never turn back.
** Not being sure if it's the "right" or "best" thing for me, and our family.
** Another year of pretty much complete loss of independence.
* Clearly, I'm having commitment issues!!!
* Diaper and clothes changes SO many times a day.
* Won't be able to give as much one-on-one attention time to the new baby as we did with DJ.
The PROS:
* Family of four.
** DJ will have a sibling!
* Pregnancy -
1. Seeing/hearing the heart beat. 2. Feeling the baby move inside. 3. Teaching DJ about siblings. 4. Seeing DJ feel the baby move. 5. Seeing Darnell talk to and listen to the baby. 6. Bonding. 7. Knowing I'm in better shape this time.
* Preparing a new nursery in the other bedroom.
* Labor and Delivery -
1. The chance that an epidural might work this time. 2. Seeing my baby for the first time. 3. The first nursing. 4. Seeing Darnell's happiness. 5. The feeling of accomplishment after pushing.
* Post Delivery -
1. Seeing DJ's reaction to his new brother or sister. 2. Being able to avoid all of humanity (except my kids and D) for as long as I need to recover. 3. The knowledge that my father will be around to help and be a part of it all this time.
* The cooing.
** The LOVE.
* Seeing DJ love and care for his sibling.
** The idea that it won't be as difficult as the first time, simply because we've done it once, already.
* The notion that DJ's help might make things easier.
** Laying on the couch holding DJ and my other child at the same time.
* All the positive unknowns that I have no idea about because I only know what it's like to raise a baby up to age 21 months at this point.
** DJ having a playmate.
** Both kids entertaining each other and not always needing me for that.
* A potential best friend for DJ as he's growing up.
* The knowledge that we will have two children there for us in our advanced stages of life. DJ won't feel like he is solely responsible for us.
Okay, so I think that's everything. Little things are still popping into my head, but they are just variations of things I already put down. I've got DJ running around here requiring my attention, so my mind isn't focused on this topic the way it is when I'm laying in bed at night or in the morning, but I do feel a small relief now that I've written it all down. When it all comes down to it, I feel scared and excited. It's pretty balanced between the two, maybe a little more scared, because it's just my nature to worry. I guess I just need to continue discussion until I come to a point where I am not doubting myself.
"If everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, then we'd see the day when nobody died." - Nickleback I've been thinking about the way our cultures used to be. We lived with our families and friends in communities, where it was true that the most important thing we had - each other - was free. Over time, that changed. I didn't do research to determine how it all happened, but here we are today with the biggest game-changer, cars. We drive far to our jobs, we live across the country from our friends and family. Technology makes it all better. I Skype every day with my father - THE MAN WHO CREATED ME AND RAISED ME - who lives in North Carolina, and one of my very dearest friends - THAT I'VE KNOWN SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL - who lives in New York. But all of these advances have created this distance. Is it a good thing? I spent $50 in gas money to drive to Port Huron for work, where no students showed, so I will get paid $30 in mileage, but nothing more. So, essentially, I just spent $20 to be alone for 4 hours. So, of course I was thinking about life and things. On my drive home, I found myself thinking about how I would love a garnet ring, because it's my son's birthstone and it's a beautiful gem. That's where it all started, because you see, I have a mental list of "things", monetary priorities, I'll call them, and a garnet ring falls exactly thousands of dollars behind everything else and it made me sad to realize that that is something I won't have. BUT, then I said to myself, what is really the most important thing? Because I know it's not money, and it's not "stuff". It's people. It's family and friends. But those people are all so busy and so invested in their own lives and "things" and so far away. And really, it is not free for me to have those best things in life, any longer. I'm saving money to visit my friend in New York. I gravely miss my friend who lives in Chicago, and I'm trying to set up a visit out there in December, but again, I have to save money to do that and I just don't have any to spare. Even tomorrow, I'm driving to visit a friend who lives in the same state, but it will still cost me about $30 to drive there and back because she lives 45 minutes away! And so, I had to realize today that the best things in life aren't free. At least, not anymore, not in my life time, not now that I'm an adult and I don't see all my friends at school every day and I don't come home to my family every night. Honestly, it makes me want to live in a commune somewhere. Give up tv, Internet, cars. Maybe I should be an Amish person. And then, to top it all off, so many of those "best things" have been lost to -me. My friend Ben started dating a girl who eventually would not allow him to talk to any of his friends or even see his family much of the time and when he tried to be friends with me on Facebook one day and I told him the truth about how I'd been feeling all that time, he took back his friend request all together. And he was not the only one like that. Then there's my best friend who met a man from Mexico, moved 9 hours away and isolated herself from her friends, then sort of went crazy. I don't really talk to her anymore. 24 years of friendship gone there. My dad is separated from his wife. I lived with them my last year of high school and she became a second mother to me. Now, she told my dad that she wants to move forward with her life, which means that she has chosen to no longer have a relationship with me. Today, I was cleaning and realized that I had a picture of her and myself together from my wedding day in a frame in the dining room and I sadly took it out of the frame and replaced it with a picture of my husband and my son when he was 2 months old. I need to stop for a second and preface all of this by saying that by no means do I forget about what I DO have, while thinking these things through. My son is my shining star, my sunshine and the light of my life. My husband is part of my foundation. And the friends and family that I do have, I love dearly and appreciate, no matter where they live or how much money they cost me ;). I just have to acknowledge the losses. I have to figure out how to make my life fit with my values. I have to process the grief. I have to wonder why we as a race of humans have allowed ourselves to stray so far from what's most important. It makes me shudder with tears and sadness to think about the fact that as my son gets older, he will grow into a world where he doesn't get all the hugs and kisses and smiles that he gets now. He won't have the arms around him every day that he does now. And I can say from my own experience that it gets hard and lonely when you once had that basic need met and then you go out into a world that doesn't work that way anymore and doesn't meet that basic human need. I can only hope and pray that I will be there for him along the way and that he will build a foundation of friends around him that can provide for some of that. So, realistically, I wish that I could've sat in the living room or out on the deck with a group of friends and/or family this evening, eating good food and sharing in each other's lives. Learning more about each other and what we all have to offer each other as a connected group. Or maybe just on the floor with my son and my husband, finger painting something together, and watching our son learn that we are a unit, this family, and that time together is more important than any garnet ring.
So, I just drove 1 hour and 25 minutes (because of construction - normally 1 hr 15 mins) to Port Huron to teach a class, but no one is here, yet. I'm waiting until 6:30 to see if anyone shows up, but that's only 10 mins away, so I doubt I'll be working tonight. I wouldn't mind, but I need to start bringing in some money! It's funny that I'm supposed to be teaching a Controlling Anger class tonight and because no one showed up, I'm angry! lol Not really. But I am annoyed that I won't get paid for this and that I put those miles on my truck. :( Also, I learned once again that I should not spend money I don't have. I went to the Salvation Army today and got a couple sweaters for work and a chair for the balcony and I did it with my credit card knowing that I was going to be working tonight and my check is in the mail, arriving tomorrow. But now, I have a couple new things (not that it was a huge expenditure) that I don't have the money to pay for. That is the most annoying thing.
It has been far too long since I last blogged. I think I might say that every time I blog, because I go too long between every one! But I see that as a positive sign that I am LIVING life. Often times, I think people who are always on Facebook and blogging every day, may not spend enough time actually living life. Instead, they are creating a picture of their ideal lives that they want to show to everyone else. I know that is not always true. Some people have honest, substantial blogs to benefit others (I hope that is what mine is), it's just hard to live a full life when you're always typing. lol
Anyway, I'm waiting for my Building a Positive Self class to begin in 25 minutes and I wanted to catch myself up on some self-reflection, since it has been so long since I've journaled at all. I only have one gal in my class this series, which has been a very interesting and intimate. I enjoy being able to work with her on her life and specifically focus the discussions on her needs, rather than being more vague in order to teach many people the ideas in the curriculum. Unfortunately, the company for whom I am working loses money on classes this small, because they have to pay me more than the student pays to take the class.
So, I've been finding myself very grateful lately that I do not have more than one child right now. I am so thankful and appreciative of the fact that I have more freedom now than I did for about 2 years, when I was pregnant and nursing. My son is 20 months old and he helps with his baths and dressing and he's SO much more independent than he ever has been during his first 19 months. He picks up his toys when asked and picks up food that he drops. He sleeps in a regular bed now, so he can get in and out on his own. And really, it's just such a relief having a cognizant child with whom I can communicate, now. He still doesn't have words for most things, but he understands pretty much everything and we're starting to establish our own language, so that I know what he's talking about or what he wants much of the time. I look forward to his growing ability to speak English, however, simply because I'm getting a tad annoyed by him repeating "car" over and over, ever day. lol
D and I have starting seeing a chiropractor. It is amazing. Just seeing the x-rays of my spine was enough to know that I have a lot of issues going on. It was like a freaking country road, with all the curves I have going on. And not going the way they are supposed to go, mind you. I have such a severe tilt in the vertebrates in my neck, that the nerves controlling my respiration have been compressed. I've been having trouble breathing and been needing to use an inhaler for the past couple months and all the doctors kept doing was giving me more antibiotics and steroids and pain killers. I've had three adjustments and every time I leave the chiro's, I can take deep breaths like I haven't been able to in a couple months, now! It's really really great. So many other benefits that I've noticed, but my class is about to start, so I'll have to write more about the rest later.
I actually got up at 6am this morning and it wasn't because my son started crying. lol I'm working today. I was hired in on June 8, 2012 as a contracted instructor for Class A Training Center. They started out as a truck driving school and later expanded to accept referrals from courts, probation officers, etc. to learn some decision-based curriculum. I myself have taught Impulse Control (that's what I'm teaching today), and I'm half way through my first Controlling Anger series. These are usually 8 weeks, but my class is condensed into 6 weeks, so I have two weeks left. I'm scheduled to teach my first Retail Fraud class this coming week, and my first Building a Positive Self series (women only) starts up in a week and a half.
I have to say, I LOVE this. This is what I was meant to do. Today, I have 6 people scheduled for the class, so I'll probably get all of them, but the class starts in 20 minutes and no one is here, as of yet. Scratch that, Scott just walked in. :) 5 more to go. I love the smaller classes like this. It's so much more fun for me and it goes by much faster for everyone. And I just got to explain that to all three of my guys that are here, now. Just waiting for my 3 gals, should be an interesting day. I get to learn so man y new things about people that I didn't know before. And I love helping people learn that they can change. It's really quite amazing seeing the faces of people when something really hits them and they get it that things don't have to stay crappy in their lives. It's hope that I see. It's like someone realizing that they can get out of prison just by picking themselves up and walking out. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of work, a lot of practice, and time. People are impatient these days. I am guilty as charged. But I just love that my job reminds me every day that I can create my path and if I put in some effort, I can have a happy life.
9 minutes until go time. I guess I should sign off and sit looking bored like the rest of these guys. lol
It has been too long since I last wrote. Man oh man, summer is a fun time, full of family visits and trips away from home, but it has definitely made me realize how much it really takes to maintain a home, especially one with a 1.5-yr-old.
I want to try and stay organized with my posts, but there are SO many things that I need to say right now, that I guess I'm just going to have to make this a hodgepodge post and dedicate a paragraph to each thing on my mind.
So, first thing's first - my son growing up. Yes, he's only 1.5 years old, but so many things are changing that are difficult for me. He's having temper tantrums. I'm a strict Mom when it comes to inappropriate behavior. Don't get me wrong, I don't punish him for it because it is a completely normal part of development, but I do not allow his tantrums to have ANY power or reward. The minute a tantrum starts, I say, "Ok, if you are going to have a tantrum, I am going to lay you down right here and turn my back." If he continues to do it, I follow through. BUT IT'S HARD. SO hard to hear your little sunshine screaming. For several reasons. First, it hurts me when he's crying, because I don't want him to be upset. Second, it's frustrating! He's not listening to me and he's not using his words that we're working on and he's disobeying me. Third, it's slightly embarrassing at times. In my back yard, not much, but at 3am in a hotel room, more so. I'm not one to get embarrassed about things that I know are natural. So, it's really more that I feel guilty about putting anyone else through hearing that screaming. I know that I'm doing the right thing in how I'm handling it, so I'm not worried about being judged or anything, but it's just a disturbance, in general, and I have to realize that every time it happens. And another thing that I only realized this morning is becoming hard for me is that my friendly, smiling, quiet, sweet cuddler baby is starting to be a crabby, independent, stubborn, little boy. He pushes me away when I hug him. He says "Uh uh" (no) when I ask for kisses. He gets mad whenEVER he doesn't get his way. He much less happy and much more whiny, in general over the past week. This morning, I just went into the bedroom and cried. It feels like my little friend doesn't even want to be my friend anymore. Obviously, I understand the necessity of all these changes, but it's not easy for a mom. Darnell says, "He still needs his Mommy." And it's true and it does make me feel better. But it's just not as fun when he's crabby a lot of the time!!! (Side note: At least I'm not also struggling with the guilt that comes with an child's injury, props to my girl Dylan for getting through a 6-stitch forehead injury a couple days ago - talk about hard.)
Now, my depression. It's rough today. I can think of so many things that are building up to trigger this. I haven't journalled in so long. I haven't been running, except once a week or so, for the past 3 weeks, because of trips away from home. My son's change to a much more negative personality. My increasing list of things that need to be done around the house (inside and out), and the fact that I've been on 3 different birth control pills over the past 3 months. Today is the second day in a row that I have cried. I don't keep track but if I had to put a number on it, I would guess that I cry maybe once a month, usually less, normally. I'm really not sure, but I can say that twice in the same week lets me know that something is not normal for me. It's ok, though. I keep reminding myself that everything in my life is beautiful. I have an amazing family and some really great friends, wonderful neighbors. My old friend has isolated herself from her friends and family and lives 8 hours from the closest of us. She has post partum psychosis and believes that everything under the sun is medically wrong with herself, her baby and her husband. And she refuses anything is wrong or that she needs help. I need to be quite thankful that I have a wonderful house to live in (albeit a messy one, right now), food to eat and healthy relationships around me.
There are still more things that I want to write about, but my son just woke up from his nap and my husband is napping, so I'm 100% parent right now. Hopefully, I'll get better at blogging more regularly. Still have 2 more summer trips away from home, so we'll see. :)
It is time that I write, again. I've been so anxious and confused over the past week that I haven't even been able to figure out the words to say to express what is going on. But today is Friday, I just dropped DJ off at his Granny's house for the day, because D works all weekend, so I have full parental duty for the weekend, and today is my day off.
I'm going to:
*take a hot bubble bath *watch Super 8 Netflix movie *paint my toenails (and maybe my fingernails, too!) *blog - check *nap *add songs to my running playlist *probably clean so that I feel like I've accomplished something *run, if it stops raining *go out and finish the walkway that I've been working on outside, if it stops raining:
Anything else, I haven't figured out, yet.
But first things, first. My old friend about whom I've previously blogged called me yesterday for the first time in more than one year. She is coming home with her baby girl (2 mos old) for a week and wants to get together. I don't even want to. I said that I would be available because I'm really bad at saying no, but honestly, I just don't want the drama.
Next, my relationship with my husband. I haven't had a chance to write it out, but basically for the past few weeks, I've just been feeling like we're not even friends. We're our son's parents. That was it. I was bored with him, I was lonely, and I was tired of the same nightly routines of watching tv after we put the baby down. He wasn't noticing my pain. All of these things are not normal for us. But we chalked it up to being new parents. Let me tell you new parents out there... DON'T DO THAT. TALK. Talk, talk, talk. Even though it can often be explained by the new baby and parenthood, it will only get worse if you don't talk about it. Even after the first time we talked about it a week ago, things didn't change much. We stopped arguing as much, but I still didn't feel loved. I still felt like a roommate.
So, here's my task suggested by my girl Dylan and agreed upon by my hubs.
1. I feel loved when Darnell notices when I'm upset. *Granted, I understand that it is my duty to try to always talk about things that bother me, and not be passive, but if I'm just upset and not feeling like it's anything I need to talk about, I simply want him to notice and say something to me about it. 2. I feel loved when Darnell hugs me. 3. I feel loved when Darnell turns off the tv and talks to me. 4. I feel loved when Darnell wants to take pictures of me with DJ. *I know that may seem weird, but when I see him holding DJ or playing with him, it lights a fire inside that reminds me what is important in life and I notice myself smiling so big, I can't help but want to capture that moment. In addition, when I look back at my childhood, my mom is hardly ever in pictures and my memories of her from that time are so sparse, because she was always behind the camera, the organizer. It makes me angry with my dad that he was so selfish not to think to take pictures of my Mom with us. So, I want it to be different for me and my children. It feels weird that all the pictures I have with my son, I had to take myself. 5. I feel loved when Darnell calls me at his lunch time. 6. I feel loved when Darnell wants to do something that I like, even when it's something he doesn't usually like. 7. I feel loved when Darnell appreciates the improvements I make around the house. 8. I feel loved when Darnell takes time to focus on my body and my needs in bed. 9. I feel loved when Darnell breaks down my walls, when I'm not so comfortable. 10. I feel loved when Cory looks at me in the mirror and sees me for all the good things I am and do and appreciates me just the way I am, instead of expecting so much more.
I went to my annual physical/ob exam Wednesday this week and came home so blue. After 2.5 months of running, I was the exact same weight as I was in January at my last check-up. Granted, I was up to 177 at one point after I got sick with mono over the holiday, and I can see changes in my body, like less fat and more muscle, but it was just so upsetting. It's been a real challenge to keep running after that. Like, it's not even worth it, at all. I know that's not true, though. I know that I'm healthier, stronger, and in better shape. And I know that these things are SO important. It's just very hard to continue doing something that is so difficult, when I'm not getting outwardly rewarded for it. It's hard to remember that it's for health. Health is so intangible at this age. And the tangible things are lack-there-ofs, if you know what I mean. For example, if I don't run, I wake up with aches and pains. If I don't run, my back hurts when I pick up my son. When I am running, these things aren't there, I feel normal. It's awesome, but it's something that I have to force myself to remember, or I just forget and think, "Why am I doing this, again?" Anyway, doc says less carbohydrates and more running, if I really want to lose weight. Mom says keep doing what you're doing, lose 1 lb every 4 months and just be happy about your life. It's hard enough for me to carve out 30 minutes to run 2 1/4 miles 3 times a week, and the thought of adding more makes me want to quit all together. So, I'll take a compromise. Less carbs, more just being happy about my life. :)
I think I'll start to introduce my original children, because it makes me happy. That would be my pets. My children before I actually had a child. lol First, and not in order of age or appearance in my life, is Phoenix. She's my only girl. She and I are the only ladies in the house, so we have a special bond. Here is a picture of her when she was just a tiny baby:
I named her Phoenix for three reasons. 1. She was found with 2 siblings in a dumpster behind a friend's business at less than 2 weeks old. She was covered in spaghetti sauce, coffee grounds, and fleas. I was getting my MBA while working full time and wanted a second cat, so that my first cat wasn't always home alone. I went to my friend's house to visit the little ones and see if I was interested. I wanted a boy. I wanted a grey kitty. But when I sat on the floor with these little tykes barely walking, she crawled onto my knee and curled up and I was smitten. One of her siblings went with another owner and the other went to the shelter. Neither made it past 2 1/2 weeks old. Meanwhile, I had to feed her milk, then milk mixed with wet food, then wet food mixed with dry food and literally wean her up to regular dry kitten food, because she was so little. I spent around $300 getting rid of her fleas and her upper respiratory infection (this is what killed the other two), so as far as I was concerned, she was the Phoenix that rose from the dumpster ashes. 2. I was getting my MBA at the University of Phoenix when I got her. 3. In honor of Faux the Phoenix from Harry Potter. Yep, I'm a dork.
But, before I knew it, she was a beautiful full-grown princess:
And the funny thing is, she is now the most healthy out of all of our pets!!
She is jumpy. She is needy. She is whiny. She sheds like her fur is on fire. But she cuddles like a baby, purrs like a generator, and just makes this house a better place to live. I love my little Sweet Pea, Phoenix.
My poor, poor, little baby boy. He has Streptococcal Pharyngitis (Strep throat) for the second time and he's only 16 months old! His pediatrician says that it's not common for anyone his age to have already had it twice. Which just means that if keeps happening, we will be removing those pesky tonsils of his, which I'd rather not do. I remember my brothers talking to me about how miserable they were the next few days after having their tonsils removed and that they will never forget it. Very painful.
So, this time was MUCH worse than last time he had strep. Here are all of the symptoms he has:
fever of up to 102.5
- shaking, increased heart rate up to 130 bpm
puss on both tonsils
- terrible bad breath that smells like poop
swollen top lip
facial rash
completely stuffed nose and head congestion
wheezing
waking every hour through the night
loss of appetite
And my dumb butt thought he was just teething with a cold. Although, I have to at least give myself the credit that he didn't start getting really bad and some of the extra weird symptoms didn't start until over the weekend, after the after hours clinic was closed, and I took him to the doctor before they were even open this morning. Also, the ibuprofen and acetaminophen were masking some of the symptoms, but we had to keep that fever down. He was just miserable. He still is, but he's asleep right now. We got a broad spectrum antibiotic for him, which he started this morning and he's been sleeping a ton and waking just to eat and drink and go back to sleep again. Which is awesome.... he needs the sleep and the food SO badly right now! And after the first nap, it was time for the ibuprofen again, but he didn't have a fever for the first time! So, the antibiotics are already working.
It is so terrible being the mother of a sick child. Especially before you go to the doctor and you're trying to tell yourself it's just a cold or it's just teething and you're nursing this little guy that can't tell you what's wrong and what hurts, you just have to do your best to be logical and make an educated guess about it. That's hard for father's, too. But what I know for myself is hard for moms is that throbbing need to make your baby feel better. It's like something that is sewn into your heart that gets yanked on when your baby feels badly. It's so instinctual. When it takes everything in you not to run to doctor's office for any little thing that bothers him. My mind was saying, ok stuffy nose, fever, probably a virus, along with teething. But my heart was bursting with sorrow because he couldn't even sit still because he was so uncomfortable. And I wanted to reach inside his face and pull out all the phlegm and kill whatever was trying to hurt him inside.
Sometimes, when I'm running, and it's really tough, I think about someone trying to hurt my boy or something being wrong with him that can only be stopped if I keep on running. It's a little sadistic, but entirely motivational. That and thinking about labor. That makes running feel like a massage on the beach. lol Eventually, I'll recount my experience with labor. It was an incredible and unforgettable thing. It was also a nightmare. People say that women have the ability to naturally forget, but I can tell you this, it's been 16 months and I haven't forgotten. I don't think I ever will.
Anyway, time to get a little rest before this stinky, sick boy wakes back up. :) Here's the horrendous snoring/wheezing and swollen upper lip of his from while we were waiting for the antibiotic prescription to be filled at the pharmacy. You can just see his little body struggling to breathe:
Yep, I take it. In fact, I also take Clonazepam AKA: Klonopin. Before I became pregnant with DJ, I had found my perfect cocktail for anxiety and depression. I was taking 50mg/day of Zoloft and .25mg/day of Klonopin. It was perfect for me and had been for about 3 years. However, once my level of blood increased by 150% during pregnancy, it became clear (and made perfect sense) that I needed to increase my Zoloft dose by 200% to cover for the increase in my blood and weight, as well as to help with the increased stress due to pregnancy combined with my inability to use Klonopin during the pregnancy. (Klonopin is too dangerous to a developing fetus.)
So, after I had DJ and lost the baby weight, I decreased back to 50mg of Zoloft, but realized quickly, that that wasn't going to work for me. So, back up to 100mgs I went. However, now that I've started losing more weight, and I'm getting ready to potentially become pregnant again, I'm back down to 50mgs/day and the reason for that LONG story?? I'm feeling it. I'm sad. And it's not sad because of anything, it's just this overall feeling of dark cloudiness. What a cliche that we always see on television commercials for anti-depressants, right? lol But it is an accurate depiction of what depression feels like. Lucky for me, I've spent years of my life in cognitive therapy, so I am very aware of the chemical changes and the way they affect my life. I also have the tools to successfully deal with minimal amounts of depression. I can deal with maximum amounts if necessary, but it's not preferable. lol
My regular stance on depression or anxiety and medication is to just take it and see what it does. I spent SO many years fighting depression and anxiety (which I found out later in life is probably something genetic from my father who started anti-anxiety medication at 64 years of age) and then when my doctors and I finally found the right amounts and combo of meds, suddenly, I was living my life, instead of spending all that time focusing on "dealing with it" and accepting it. Suddenly, I found myself thinking, "Is this what 'normal' feels like?" because I could go through a day enjoying my life and everything that is part of this journey, rather than always fighting. That's what I was doing from age 16 - age 24, I was FIGHTING. I wasn't living. I WAS learning, and I am very happy to have done all of the cognitive work that I did, because it helps me deal with many things in life, but once I did start taking medications, I also stopped the needless fighting.
I stopped fighting and I started looking forward, lifting up, seeing clearly, appreciating the little things and recognizing the huge things, seeing negative environmental factors as part of the big picture of life. I can spend free time (haha "free time" - you know what I mean) thinking about what's important to me, my goals for myself and my family, and so many other productive thoughts. Anxiety and depression breed cyclical thinking. Going round and round in your head with the same negative, hopeless, dark thoughts. Why in the world, would I want to spend ANY of the precious time I have with my son and all the important people in my life thinking the same OLD, USELESS thoughts, when I could be thinking NEW, USEFUL, PROGRESSIVE thoughts. I can be growing instead of remaining stagnant until the end of my days on this earth.
So, I love my son. And no depression can cloud that. He is my favorite person in the ENTIRE world. He has changed my life and fostered this new perspective I have of myself. A secure, solid foundation for the most important little boy there ever was, and for myself. He has become a mirror for the way I see myself. I am my own mother, sister, daughter, and best friend. If anyone where to try to tell me that I am undeserving, unworthy, not good at what I do, etc., I would laugh, with the realization that they have no idea who I am or what I do. And that will always allow me to see a light in any darkness.
My baby and I having a chill day and some cuddle time:
And here he is on his big boy toilet seat (which he has used!!) - potty training is a topic I'll touch on another day:
So, the guy showed up to move our satellite up onto a pole this morning and after all the craziness of getting this worked out yesterday, he told me that the original guy who installed the satellite 2 years ago was a contractor and he didn't even do it right. He could've attached it to our house from the very beginning. Wow. It amazes me sometimes that there are people out there so incompetent, getting paid to do something they aren't even good at and I can't even get hired to do basic work utilizing my degree. {Shrug} That's Michigan for you.
I ran 2.3 miles yesterday and drank water when I got back, but had 1 beer when my brother came over to visit in the evening and woke up this morning with a hangover headache! Seriously? 1 beer? I know it's because I'm not hydrated the way I should be. Now I have to drink a Gatorade (one meal's worth of carbs) in order to rehydrate enough so that water will even make a difference! I have had three glasses of water and 2 ibuprofens today and I still have this headache. I find myself patiently awaiting DJ's next nap, so that I can try again to sleep off this headache. I guess I have to resign myself to not drinking anything with alcohol on the days I run.
Today, I applied for Google AdSense. Within a week, I will find out if I qualify and can start earning money for having ads showing on my blog. I also added the awesome Google Translate gadget at the top, so that people in other countries and who speak other languages can read my blog, too! I'm SUPER excited about that because there are mothers out there EVERYWHERE, not just in America! Lastly, I added the email follow option over to the right of my blog, so that people can sign up to follow my blog more easily! So, if someone reads this and feel that you or someone you know might benefit from weekly-ish access to my thoughts and feelings, please add your email through that new gadget!
Since I did not have much substance in today's blog, I'm adding this video of my boy reacting to the windows going down in the truck! It will tickle anyone's fancy... Enjoy!!
I wanted to title this post "PMS", but I don't think I'd want to read a blog called PMS. But seriously, I feel like b!#@hing today. Between a girl who sounded like an Asian William Shatner at Dish Network who insisted that I call some company that I'm not sure exists (after researching online and finding nothing) called "Big Safe" who I would have to pay to come out and "mark" where they are supposed to dig a hole for the pole for our satellite dish (because I can't mark my own place where the pole should go on my property?), and then that I pay another $95 for them to come and put in the pole for the dish to be put up. All of that, after they mounted the dish on a cement slab out back and were supposed to come out when the ground thawed (2 YEARS AGO) to move it up onto a pole and never did. Here is a moment where I believe that women are still very discriminated against - even by other women. My husband called them back 2 hours later and got a short run around but within 10 minutes, had the technicians scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8am for free. ????????????????????????? That blows my mind. Sure, my husband is much calmer and level-headed than am I, but really? I was on the phone with Mrs. Shatner for 35 minutes and got nowhere!
Let me just throw in the fact that the song above "Cinderella Man" by Eminem is my new favorite running song. I got in the door from running today and it started in my headphones and I almost wanted to go back out and start running again!
Next order of business. My body. I'd like to always be Miss Sunshine, but I'm just not. I've been running consistently for 2 months and had lost 9 lbs. Then I went up to Marquette to help a newborn baby and her father (and I still ran once while I was there, mind you), fell off the wagon a little with pizza eating and beer drinking and by the time I got home, I had gained back 4 lbs... in 5 days. Words cannot describe how angry that makes me. Basically, I lost one month of busting my a$$ for 5 days of not even serious indulgence! I still ran and I wasn't eating too much extra. Ugh. It's just this woman's body. As much as I want to love her and embrace her, I feel like she's fighting me. When I see a big fat gut pouching out and back fat rolls hanging over my bra, I just want to cry. I feel like I'm working SO HARD. I guess this is just part of the process. I'm not going to stop. I'm going to keep on keeping on and eventually I will learn how much it will take to get into decent shape and drop the extra weight I'm needlessly carrying around this planet.
Finally, money. Ugh ugh ugh. We have so much work to do. We're not on the same page, my husband and I. We are, but we aren't. We need a better plan. We need a serious budget. A specific budget so we know exactly on what we can and cannot spend our money each month, each week, each day. I feel so far behind. $40,000 of student loans that have transformed into the monster of $64,000 and growing. By the time it's paid off, I will have probably thrown away nearly $200,000 on that f*#ker. For an MBA that has gotten me NOWHERE.
I have so many wonderful things in my life and I need to immediately blog about those things, in order to center myself back where I belong, but today, I just need to be real about my (most likely fueled by PMS) dissatisfaction with some things in my life. Some things I need to work on. Time to go finish making dinner. Props to my husband for letting me sneak into the bedroom to blog for 15 minutes (the boy's been extra needy today).
Welcome to something you may never have heard of before this moment. Postpartum Psychosis is what Andrea Yates had. She is the valedictorian and wonderful mother of four, who after her fifth child killed each one of them by drowning them in the bathtub, while her husband was at work one day, in order to save them from evil that she believed was taking them over. The good news is that it's not always that severe. And it is rare. I am SO thankful that this is not something that I experienced after having my son.
Postpartum Psychosis is a rare illness, compared to
the rates of postpartum depression or anxiety. It occurs in
approximately 1 to 2 out of every 1,000 deliveries, or approximately .1%
of births. The onset is usually sudden, most often within the first 4
weeks postpartum.
Symptoms of postpartum psychosis can include:
Delusions or strange beliefs
Hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren’t there)
Feeling very irritated
Hyperactivity
Decreased need for or inability to sleep
Paranoia and suspiciousness
Rapid mood swings
Difficulty communicating at times
The most significant risk factors for postpartum psychosis are a
personal or family history of bipolar disorder, or a previous psychotic
episode. Of the women who develop a postpartum psychosis, there is a 5%
infanticide or suicide rate associated with the illness. This is because
the woman experiencing psychosis is experiencing a break from reality.
In her psychotic state, the delusions and beliefs make sense to her;
they feel very meaningful and are often religious. Immediate treatment
for these women is imperative.
It is also important to know that many survivors of postpartum
psychosis never had delusions containing violent commands. Delusions
take many forms, and not all of them are destructive. Most women who
experience postpartum psychosis do not harm themselves or anyone else.
However, there is always the risk of danger because psychosis includes
delusional thinking and irrational judgment, and this is why women with
this illness must be treated and carefully monitored by a trained
healthcare professional.
Postpartum psychosis is temporary and treatable with professional
help, but it is an emergency and it is essential that you receive
immediate help. If you feel you or someone you know may be suffering
from this illness, know that it is not your fault and you are not to
blame. Call your doctor or an emergency crisis hotline right away so
that you can get the help you need. - From www.postpartum.net
Makes me pray for every woman who gives birth to a child, but doesn't feel connected to him or want to have anything to do with him or her, or worse yet, wants to hurt that baby.
Let me just list what some age on your child, the motivation of a friend, and the energy created by adding fitness into my daily life can lead to.
Today I have: cleaned the coffee table (and the nasty bumper, under which DJ stashes food) cleaned the bathroom mirror, sink, counter, and toilet cleaned the kitchen counters and stove, and finished up dishes vacuumed the stairs and the landing picked up in DJ's room done 2 loads of laundry.
And that's in addition to Skyping with my girlfriend, talking to my husband, my friend Gary, and my dad (he's on his long drive up to MI from NC), feeding, snuggling, and giving attention to my boy.
I think what I mentioned above are all equally getting credit for this. I wouldn't have had a day like this when my son was 8 months old because he still couldn't stay independently busy for very long. I wouldn't had had a day like this 2 months ago, because I wasn't staying fit and would've just been too tired to get up and do all that stuff! Finally, if it weren't for the inspiration of my girl, who is so much better at juggling motherhood and cleaning than I am!!
Today proved that I will be able to have a normal life after the new baby (not TTC, yet) is about DJ's age. I'm sure enjoying it now, while I can, before I get pregnant, again!
Yesterday, DJ went down for a nap without having a bottle first, so we decided that it's time to start weaning off the bottle. He will only get it first thing in the morning and right before bed, but not before naps, anymore. I tried to give him some milk from a sippy cup before his current nap, but he refused it, so I put him down without any milk first, and he is in there right now screaming. It's been going on for 15 minutes and I feel terrible!!! I wish I had someone right now to tell me that I'm doing the right thing, because I want to stick with our decision, but it's just so painful hearing his pain. I feel like an evil witch. And I want to run in and scoop him up, hug him, and give him 8 bottles of warm milk! But I know that I'm a better mom for doing what I'm doing, it's just SO hard!!! Ugh. This is a part of motherhood I truly hate. We didn't have to deal with weaning off a pacifier because he just stopped using them one day, so it was just over. Weaning off the breast was simple, too, because he always had no problem drinking from a bottle and I spread the weaning over like 3 months. lol This is the first time I've had to deal with this sort of thing where I am directly causing him such distress. I HATE HATE HATE it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saw something similar to this on Pinterest and it inspired me to make one of my own! It is super handy for organizing and displaying all your baby's books without a big chunky shelf! My one piece of advice if you attempt to make your own, is to make sure that you spend the little extra it costs to get good sturdy poles, because my first purchase was for 2 $5 poles that I had to take back because they were sagging as soon as any books were put in it. I ended up getting 2 $10 poles from Target, instead, and they are perfect! Well worth the extra $.
I am SO happy to report that just over the past month, so many of the things that I have questioned in earlier blogs have gotten better or become clearer.
First of all, I cannot stress enough the importance of FITNESS for Mommies, once your body "comes back together", meaning the ligaments shorten and strengthen back up, so your joints are solid and exercising isn't painful or likely to make you pull a muscle or slip a disc. My doctor had originally told me that I'd be ready to get back to exercising fully after 6 months, but that I needed to give my body a full year before I'd feel pretty much back to normal in that respect. But, like most people, I thought I was different, "I'm a fit person, I'm pretty athletic, so I'll start back in at like 4 months and when I strengthen my muscles, they will pull everything right back together." And I did try. I participated in a boot camp at 4 months. I did it for 2 months and my lower back just couldn't take it. I was doing the exercises with the proper form, but it was still causing back pain - because my body wasn't ready, yet! So, now, finally, after that year went by, my efforts are actually working and I see that my doctor was right. It was a full year before I could start running and lifting and not have any lasting, adverse effects.
SO, since I started my Fitness Plan about a month ago, things have really changed for me in a positive way. I have had more energy, I am becoming more fit, in general, and stronger, so playing with my son is more fun. Even though he gets heavier and heavier, and naturally we gain the muscle and endurance to carry that weight, it does get hard a lot of times, but because I've been sticking to my plan and running and lifting weights, it's so much easier!!! I can carry him around a store or toss him around at home and not get cramps in my biceps. :) And I did, before, believe me!
Also, I can answer my own question of will I ever be healthy again, with a resounding YES! Since I got back to running regularly (a mile at least 3x a week), I have only had one short bout of the sniffles, which I'm sure was due to the crazy Michigan weather changes, but I got through that quickly and have been healthy since! I'm still taking a nap almost every day, but before, I was taking a nap every time my son did, which was at least twice a day. So, I can definitely feel the exhaustion decreasing to a manageable level. I won't say it's completely gone, because that's just not possible with a toddler, however, I feel like I have actually adjusted to it! I can't express how happy this makes me. I am just not comfortable in my own skin when I am not feeling well, but still expected to run a normal household, and it really seemed like the illnesses and exhaustion were never-ending.
It still remains true, what I've been saying since my son was born, every week that passes, things get better, things get easier, we adjust, and everything becomes manageable and feels more "normal". I love my son more with every new developmental progression, and I enjoy being a mother more and more every day.
So, to all the new moms out there, believe me when I say, it will get better!!!
My greedy little man, mouth full of soft shell tortilla and fist full of veggie treats:
I knew today was going to be interesting when I got up at 5am with my husband and my son woke up (usually doesn't get up until 6:30) and then when I got in the shower, I got shampoo in my right eye, only to moments later get shower gel in my left eye. Now, I look like a crazy demon. My right eyeball is all red where it's usually white. And it still hurts. lol
So, I'm finally going to tackle the topic of my old best friend. Thus the song. Every time I hear it, I think of her. Somebody That I Used To Know. I'm going to write this like it's my journal, but because I know that it truly is a public medium, I never want to say negative things about anyone using his or her real name. So, for the purposes of this blog, we'll be calling her Mila.
I don't even know where to start. This is a girl who in fourth grade answered my note, "Will you be my friend?" by circling "YES," when some other friends (popular girls) were on my case about something and making fun of me, how mean little 4th-graders do. It was the defining moment in our friendship, because I knew that there was something in her that was always going to accept me for who I am, no matter what the rest of the world said. And that was always the basis of what I got out of our friendship. There was more, a lot more, but that was the foundation for me. I would say I'm weird. If only because I'm so honest about how normal I am. Most people don't want to show vulnerabilities and I see them as a natural and important part of life. But it makes me blunt about my feelings and sometimes a little raw for some people. Anyway, that was the whole point of us for me... she loved me for me and she accepted me for exactly who I was and she appreciated it, and I did the same for her.
I guess I'll start with the final act that made me rethink our friendship. I was pregnant. I had asked Mila to be my coach and be there with me when I gave birth to my first child. I have to say that it is probably the biggest honor possible. She was my maid of honor at my wedding, but this was WAY bigger. And I didn't even realize it until a month later, once the hugeness of a new baby had sunk in and I even had the energy to think about what she did. She did come to the hospital while I was in labor, but the whole thing lasted 17 hours and she left after being there for about 5 hours, when I was just getting to 6cm dilated and really getting into the difficult part of it. That would be enough right there, but the reasoning behind it was just ridiculous. She said she was tired. Ok, so she approached my husband before me and asked him if he thought I would be upset if she left. Really? He was so floored he could only respond with, "you'll have to ask her." First of all, there were plenty of places the hospital where she could've napped. And the mere fact that she didn't do that on her own lets me know that she was not interested in being there. But then the excuses came and it was like her screaming that she didn't want to be there. When she told D she was tired, he offered that she could go to our house (10 mins away) to take a nap and he would call her when I was close to delivery. She said no, because of our dog (that she's known since he was a tiny puppy) barking when she came in the house. So, then, my best friend Gary (this will make more sense at the end of this story) told her he would drive her there to "protect" her from the dog. (At this point, even typing this crap out just seems so utterly absurd.) She still refused. Then, she said that she didn't want to drive later when she was really exhausted because she had to drive like 45 mins to her mom's house. So, of course, Gary offered to drive her home later, so she wouldn't have to worry about falling asleep driving. Still, she said no. AFTER ALL THAT, she came to me... epidural kicking in and trying to get a little rest (which ended up being pointless because it complete failed to work on my right side), already into my own world of existence that you go into when you get into hard labor... and she asks me if I would be mad if she left because she was starting to get tired. In my mind, I didn't give a sh*t about anything. Seriously, someone could've asked me if they could kill my cats and I would've been like, "that doesn't sound like a good idea, but whatever you think is best." So, I told her go ahead. She cried and was like, "Are you sure?" I'm thinking... "Oh my God, what are you talking about? I don't even know what's going on and I certainly don't care if you are tired." All I wanted was to convince her that it's fine, so she would quit sucking my energy with the crying while I'm in labor. So, she left.
And a month later, I realized that things had changed.
There were so many other things before that. It started with moving to Chicago after college and marrying a wonderful woman who was a terrible match for her, to satisfy her need for emotional dependence on a significant other (which she has always had and still does to this day), and eventually cheating on her with a boy. I say boy, because he was just that. I honestly don't remember his age, but he was not over 18 yrs old, she was almost 10 yrs older than him. This was after a move to Vermont that she did 3 weeks before her wife, who was coming to meet her there once she finished up at her job. But by the time she got there, Mila had already broken their vows and ruined their relationship. They did, however, try to make it work for a year, before her wife finally left her. What happened then? What should happen when you are someone's best friend, I got her home and she stayed with me because she was broken. I helped her. I lifted her up. I told her she was a good person, even though she did a terrible thing.
After going back to Vermont and finding a boyfriend addiction, she cheated on him, too. It became time for her to do some soul searching. She went to Mexico for a few months. She came home, she still didn't know who she was or what she wanted, but she had fallen in love several times while in Mexico, which is what it all became about. But she needed me. She took my time. I lovingly gave it. She went back to Mexico and was gone, again. It still seemed she would find herself there. But instead, she found another boyfriend to attach herself to. Then, suddenly, they were engaged. He was moving to the US and they were filing for a fiance VISA for him. She got a job here near us, but then rescinded her acceptance in order to move to the Upper Peninsula (UP), 10 hrs away. She was set to get married here and changed that to be in Marquette (UP), too, so I couldn't go because of my son. Our other friends couldn't go, either. Money, children, it was too far away. So began her isolation of herself and her dependence on her mate was solidified when she became pregnant (she is still pregs, due next month, now, April). I hosted a party at my house so that our group of friends could celebrate her wedding and their baby, and still, she hasn't called, hasn't reached out. Hasn't tried to make up for what she did (not that it would be easy or even possible), but it became clear to me that it truly means more to her to protect herself from conflict, than to salvage our 25 year best friendship.
Real quick, from earlier, Gary is a friend of mine who moved here from Russia at age 13. We became friends after I graduated high school and I ended up going to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor where he was already attending. We have been close ever since. He was at the hospital when I was in labor. I didn't ask him to stay, because I knew he had to work the next morning (which Mila didn't), but when she left, my husband and I asked if he would step in and it wasn't even a question. He was there, for hours, holding the throw-up bucket in front of me between every contraction, and to see the birth of the most important person in my life. DJ was born at 3:37am, and Gary had to work at 6am. But he stayed. He rubbed my arms to try and help me with the pain, when my husbands hands were too cold and clamy. He stood behind me to get the right angle so that he wouldn't see my "stuff" in the mirror I had down there. lol That day, he became my best friend. It only took that one defining moment to show who was truly my friend and who wasn't.
So, although there has been limited communication (texts) between Mila and me over the past year, it has been shallow and then, non-existent since Christmas. I have dreamed about her several times a week over that year and it's been interesting watching my subconscious grieve through it. At first, I would be screaming at her, yelling, pushing her, punching her. Then, it transformed into ignoring her. She was always there near me, but I would not talk to her. Recently, I started talking to her again. In my dreams, it was like, ok, let's be friends again and just forget everything from the past. I don't feel that way in reality. And it's not possible anyway, because I don't ever see her, she's too far away. But, it's making it so that I wake up with her on my mind in a slightly more favorable way than in a long time. So, that's why I decided it was time to write about it.
Here is the point. Mila is selfish. I'm not saying that as an insult, but as a factual statement. She has ever right to be that way. And really, we all have to be to some extent. However, it changed, when it finally it affected me. The only thing that matters to me is that I know that I don't want that type of person in my life. Especially not as my best friend. I was convincing myself for years that all of her faults didn't matter because she loved me for who I am, but when it came down to it, I couldn't count on her in the most important moment of my life, thus far, and that is when I realized that her cheating and her lying and her selfishness doesn't go away for me. It is who she is. And that is the end of the story.
"So, when we found that we could not make sense, well, you said that we would still be friends. But, I'll admit that I was glad that it was over. But you didn't have to cut me off. Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. Now, I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough. ... Guess that I don't need that, though. Now you're just somebody that I used to know.
Now you're just somebody that I used to know." - Gotye, Somebody That I Used To Know
