BFF?

I knew today was going to be interesting when I got up at 5am with my husband and my son woke up (usually doesn't get up until 6:30) and then when I got in the shower, I got shampoo in my right eye, only to moments later get shower gel in my left eye. Now, I look like a crazy demon.  My right eyeball is all red where it's usually white. And it still hurts.  lol

So, I'm finally going to tackle the topic of my old best friend.  Thus the song.  Every time I hear it, I think of her.  Somebody That I Used To Know. I'm going to write this like it's my journal, but because I know that it truly is a public medium, I never want to say negative things about anyone using his or her real name.  So, for the purposes of this blog, we'll be calling her Mila.

I don't even know where to start.  This is a girl who in fourth grade answered my note, "Will you be my friend?" by circling "YES," when some other friends (popular girls) were on my case about something and making fun of me, how mean little 4th-graders do.  It was the defining moment in our friendship, because I knew that there was something in her that was always going to accept me for who I am, no matter what the rest of the world said. And that was always the basis of what I got out of our friendship.  There was more, a lot more, but that was the foundation for me.  I would say I'm weird.  If only because I'm so honest about how normal I am.  Most people don't want to show vulnerabilities and I see them as a natural and important part of life.  But it makes me blunt about my feelings and sometimes a little raw for some people. Anyway, that was the whole point of us for me... she loved me for me and she accepted me for exactly who I was and she appreciated it, and I did the same for her.

I guess I'll start with the final act that made me rethink our friendship.  I was pregnant.  I had asked Mila to be my coach and be there with me when I gave birth to my first child.  I have to say that it is probably the biggest honor possible.  She was my maid of honor at my wedding, but this was WAY bigger.  And I didn't even realize it until a month later, once the hugeness of a new baby had sunk in and I even had the energy to think about what she did.  She did come to the hospital while I was in labor, but the whole thing lasted 17 hours and she left after being there for about 5 hours, when I was just getting to 6cm dilated and really getting into the difficult part of it.  That would be enough right there, but the reasoning behind it was just ridiculous.  She said she was tired.  Ok, so she approached my husband before me and asked him if he thought I would be upset if she left.  Really?  He was so floored he could only respond with, "you'll have to ask her."  First of all, there were plenty of places the hospital where she could've napped.  And the mere fact that she didn't do that on her own lets me know that she was not interested in being there. But then the excuses came and it was like her screaming that she didn't want to be there. When she told D she was tired, he offered that she could go to our house (10 mins away) to take a nap and he would call her when I was close to delivery.  She said no, because of our dog (that she's known since he was a tiny puppy) barking when she came in the house.  So, then, my best friend Gary (this will make more sense at the end of this story) told her he would drive her there to "protect" her from the dog.  (At this point, even typing this crap out just seems so utterly absurd.)  She still refused.  Then, she said that she didn't want to drive later when she was really exhausted because she had to drive like 45 mins to her mom's house.  So, of course, Gary offered to drive her home later, so she wouldn't have to worry about falling asleep driving.  Still, she said no.  AFTER ALL THAT, she came to me... epidural kicking in and trying to get a little rest (which ended up being pointless because it complete failed to work on my right side), already into my own world of existence that you go into when you get into hard labor... and she asks me if I would be mad if she left because she was starting to get tired.  In my mind, I didn't give a sh*t about anything.  Seriously, someone could've asked me if they could kill my cats and I would've been like, "that doesn't sound like a good idea, but whatever you think is best." So, I told her go ahead.  She cried and was like, "Are you sure?"  I'm thinking... "Oh my God, what are you talking about?  I don't even know what's going on and I certainly don't care if you are tired."  All I wanted was to convince her that it's fine, so she would quit sucking my energy with the crying while I'm in labor.  So, she left.

And a month later, I realized that things had changed.

There were so many other things before that.  It started with moving to Chicago after college and marrying a wonderful woman who was a terrible match for her, to satisfy her need for emotional dependence on a significant other (which she has always had and still does to this day), and eventually cheating on her with a boy.  I say boy, because he was just that.  I honestly don't remember his age, but he was not over 18 yrs old, she was almost 10 yrs older than him.  This was after a move to Vermont that she did 3 weeks before her wife, who was coming to meet her there once she finished up at her job.  But by the time she got there, Mila had already broken their vows and ruined their relationship.  They did, however, try to make it work for a year, before her wife finally left her.  What happened then?  What should happen when you are someone's best friend, I got her home and she stayed with me because she was broken.  I helped her.  I lifted her up.  I told her she was a good person, even though she did a terrible thing.

After going back to Vermont and finding a boyfriend addiction, she cheated on him, too. It became time for her to do some soul searching.  She went to Mexico for a few months. She came home, she still didn't know who she was or what she wanted, but she had fallen in love several times while in Mexico, which is what it all became about.  But she needed me.  She took my time.  I lovingly gave it.  She went back to Mexico and was gone, again.  It still seemed she would find herself there.  But instead, she found another boyfriend to attach herself to.  Then, suddenly, they were engaged.  He was moving to the US and they were filing for a fiance VISA for him.  She got a job here near us, but then rescinded her acceptance in order to move to the Upper Peninsula (UP), 10 hrs away.  She was set to get married here and changed that to be in Marquette (UP), too, so I couldn't go because of my son. Our other friends couldn't go, either.  Money, children, it was too far away. So began her isolation of herself and her dependence on her mate was solidified when she became pregnant (she is still pregs, due next month, now, April).  I hosted a party at my house so that our group of friends could celebrate her wedding and their baby, and still, she hasn't called, hasn't reached out.  Hasn't tried to make up for what she did (not that it would be easy or even possible), but it became clear to me that it truly means more to her to protect herself from conflict, than to salvage our 25 year best friendship.

Real quick, from earlier, Gary is a friend of mine who moved here from Russia at age 13.  We became friends after I graduated high school and I ended up going to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor where he was already attending. We have been close ever since.  He was at the hospital when I was in labor.  I didn't ask him to stay, because I knew he had to work the next morning (which Mila didn't), but when she left, my husband and I asked if he would step in and it wasn't even a question. He was there, for hours, holding the throw-up bucket in front of me between every contraction, and to see the birth of the most important person in my life.  DJ was born at 3:37am, and Gary had to work at 6am.  But he stayed.  He rubbed my arms to try and help me with the pain, when my husbands hands were too cold and clamy.  He stood behind me to get the right angle so that he wouldn't see my "stuff" in the mirror I had down there.  lol  That day, he became my best friend.  It only took that one defining moment to show who was truly my friend and who wasn't.

So, although there has been limited communication (texts) between Mila and me over the past year, it has been shallow and then, non-existent since Christmas.  I have dreamed about her several times a week over that year and it's been interesting watching my subconscious grieve through it. At first, I would be screaming at her, yelling, pushing her, punching her. Then, it transformed into ignoring her.  She was always there near me, but I would not talk to her.  Recently, I started talking to her again.  In my dreams, it was like, ok, let's be friends again and just forget everything from the past.  I don't feel that way in reality.  And it's not possible anyway, because I don't ever see her, she's too far away.  But, it's making it so that I wake up with her on my mind in a slightly more favorable way than in a long time.  So, that's why I decided it was time to write about it.

Here is the point. Mila is selfish.  I'm not saying that as an insult, but as a factual statement.  She has ever right to be that way.  And really, we all have to be to some extent.  However, it changed, when it finally it affected me. The only thing that matters to me is that I know that I don't want that type of person in my life. Especially not as my best friend.  I was convincing myself for years that all of her faults didn't matter because she loved me for who I am, but when it came down to it, I couldn't count on her in the most important moment of my life, thus far, and that is when I realized that her cheating and her lying and her selfishness doesn't go away for me. It is who she is. And that is the end of the story.

"So, when we found that we could not make sense, well, you said that we would still be friends.  But, I'll admit that I was glad that it was over.  But you didn't have to cut me off.  Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing.  Now, I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough. ...  Guess that I don't need that, though.  Now you're just somebody that I used to know.
Now you're just somebody that I used to know." - Gotye, Somebody That I Used To Know