Hodgepodge

It has been too long since I last wrote.  Man oh man, summer is a fun time, full of family visits and trips away from home, but it has definitely made me realize how much it really takes to maintain a home, especially one with a 1.5-yr-old. 

I want to try and stay organized with my posts, but there are SO many things that I need to say right now, that I guess I'm just going to have to make this a hodgepodge post and dedicate a paragraph to each thing on my mind.

So, first thing's first - my son growing up.  Yes, he's only 1.5 years old, but so many things are changing that are difficult for me.  He's having temper tantrums.  I'm a strict Mom when it comes to inappropriate behavior.  Don't get me wrong, I don't punish him for it because it is a completely normal part of development, but I do not allow his tantrums to have ANY power or reward.  The minute a tantrum starts, I say, "Ok, if you are going to have a tantrum, I am going to lay you down right here and turn my back."  If he continues to do it, I follow through.  BUT IT'S HARD.  SO hard to hear your little sunshine screaming.  For several reasons.  First, it hurts me when he's crying, because I don't want him to be upset.  Second, it's frustrating!  He's not listening to me and he's not using his words that we're working on and he's disobeying me.  Third, it's slightly embarrassing at times.  In my back yard, not much, but at 3am in a hotel room, more so.  I'm not one to get embarrassed about things that I know are natural.  So, it's really more that I feel guilty about putting anyone else through hearing that screaming.  I know that I'm doing the right thing in how I'm handling it, so I'm not worried about being judged or anything, but it's just a disturbance, in general, and I have to realize that every time it happens.  And another thing that I only realized this morning is becoming hard for me is that my friendly, smiling, quiet, sweet cuddler baby is starting to be a crabby, independent, stubborn, little boy.  He pushes me away when I hug him.  He says "Uh uh" (no) when I ask for kisses.  He gets mad whenEVER he doesn't get his way.  He much less happy and much more whiny, in general over the past week.  This morning, I just went into the bedroom and cried.  It feels like my little friend doesn't even want to be my friend anymore.  Obviously, I understand the necessity of all these changes, but it's not easy for a mom.  Darnell says, "He still needs his Mommy."  And it's true and it does make me feel better.  But it's just not as fun when he's crabby a lot of the time!!! (Side note: At least I'm not also struggling with the guilt that comes with an child's injury, props to my girl Dylan for getting through a 6-stitch forehead injury a couple days ago - talk about hard.)

Now, my depression.  It's rough today.  I can think of so many things that are building up to trigger this.  I haven't journalled in so long. I haven't been running, except once a week or so, for the past 3 weeks, because of trips away from home.  My son's change to a much more negative personality.  My increasing list of things that need to be done around the house (inside and out), and the fact that I've been on 3 different birth control pills over the past 3 months.  Today is the second day in a row that I have cried.  I don't keep track but if I had to put a number on it, I would guess that I cry maybe once a month, usually less, normally.  I'm really not sure, but I can say that twice in the same week lets me know that something is not normal for me.  It's ok, though.  I keep reminding myself that everything in my life is beautiful.  I have an amazing family and some really great friends, wonderful neighbors.  My old friend has isolated herself from her friends and family and lives 8 hours from the closest of us.  She has post partum psychosis and believes that everything under the sun is medically wrong with herself, her baby and her husband.  And she refuses anything is wrong or that she needs help.  I need to be quite thankful that I have a wonderful house to live in (albeit a messy one, right now), food to eat and healthy relationships around me. 

There are still more things that I want to write about, but my son just woke up from his nap and my husband is napping, so I'm 100% parent right now.  Hopefully, I'll get better at blogging more regularly.  Still have 2 more summer trips away from home, so we'll see.  :)

My son in Lake Michigan for the first time: