Sertraline AKA: Zoloft

Yep, I take it.  In fact, I also take Clonazepam AKA: Klonopin.  Before I became pregnant with DJ, I had found my perfect cocktail for anxiety and depression.  I was taking 50mg/day of Zoloft and .25mg/day of Klonopin.  It was perfect for me and had been for about 3 years.  However, once my level of blood increased by 150% during pregnancy, it became clear (and made perfect sense) that I needed to increase my Zoloft dose by 200% to cover for the increase in my blood and weight, as well as to help with the increased stress due to pregnancy combined with my inability to use Klonopin during the pregnancy.  (Klonopin is too dangerous to a developing fetus.)  

So, after I had DJ and lost the baby weight, I decreased back to 50mg of Zoloft, but realized quickly, that that wasn't going to work for me.  So, back up to 100mgs I went.  However, now that I've started losing more weight, and I'm getting ready to potentially become pregnant again, I'm back down to 50mgs/day and the reason for that LONG story??  I'm feeling it.  I'm sad.  And it's not sad because of anything, it's just this overall feeling of dark cloudiness.  What a cliche that we always see on television commercials for anti-depressants, right?  lol  But it is an accurate depiction of what depression feels like.  Lucky for me, I've spent years of my life in cognitive therapy, so I am very aware of the chemical changes and the way they affect my life.  I also have the tools to successfully deal with minimal amounts of depression. I can deal with maximum amounts if necessary, but it's not preferable.  lol

My regular stance on depression or anxiety and medication is to just take it and see what it does.  I spent SO many years fighting depression and anxiety (which I found out later in life is probably something genetic from my father who started anti-anxiety medication at 64 years of age) and then when my doctors and I finally found the right amounts and combo of meds, suddenly, I was living my life, instead of spending all that time focusing on "dealing with it" and accepting it.  Suddenly, I found myself thinking, "Is this what 'normal' feels like?" because I could go through a day enjoying my life and everything that is part of this journey, rather than always fighting.  That's what I was doing from age 16 - age 24, I was FIGHTING.  I wasn't living.  I WAS learning, and I am very happy to have done all of the cognitive work that I did, because it helps me deal with many things in life, but once I did start taking medications, I also stopped the needless fighting.  

I stopped fighting and I started looking forward, lifting up, seeing clearly, appreciating the little things and recognizing the huge things, seeing negative environmental factors as part of the big picture of life.  I can spend free time (haha "free time" - you know what I mean) thinking about what's important to me, my goals for myself and my family, and so many other productive thoughts.  Anxiety and depression breed cyclical thinking.  Going round and round in your head with the same negative, hopeless, dark thoughts.  Why in the world, would I want to spend ANY of the precious time I have with my son and all the important people in my life thinking the same OLD, USELESS thoughts, when I could be thinking NEW, USEFUL, PROGRESSIVE thoughts.  I can be growing instead of remaining stagnant until the end of my days on this earth. 

So, I love my son.  And no depression can cloud that.  He is my favorite person in the ENTIRE world.  He has changed my life and fostered this new perspective I have of myself.  A secure, solid foundation for the most important little boy there ever was, and for myself.  He has become a mirror for the way I see myself.  I am my own mother, sister, daughter, and best friend.  If anyone where to try to tell me that I am undeserving, unworthy, not good at what I do, etc., I would laugh, with the realization that they have no idea who I am or what I do.  And that will always allow me to see a light in any darkness. 

My baby and I having a chill day and some cuddle time:

 

And here he is on his big boy toilet seat (which he has used!!) - potty training is a topic I'll touch on another day: