Working Mom

So, I'm wondering how in the world working for 5 hours on my feet for $8/hr somehow seems necessary.  It makes me feel like I'm "doing something".  I have friends that are home with their child(ren) who know what I'm talking about.  If I stay home and enjoy my son and taking care of my family, I feel guilty. Inevitably, a person who has always worked and suddenly no longer does, feels guilty about not working.  It's so weird, because logically, I have come to make sense of how I am contributing. Literally, I have laid it all out financially, and I am contributing by staying home and everything that I've been doing (nursing, cloth diapering, making my own baby food, plus house work, etc.).  I am actually saving (or bringing in, depending on how you look at it) a good income, it's just intangible!  But it doesn't matter.  It's almost as if I feel like because I brought this child into the world, I should be able to support him AND bring in half of the income we need to support the rest of the family.

But is that really it?  Because like I said, I can satisfy that guilty discomfort by going to an almost minimum-wage-paying job for 8 hours on the weekend that hurts my feet and leaves me exhausted.  And I made myself what - $60?  But it does work.  That $60 barely covers what I spend on products at my retail job with enough left to buy a couple skeins of yarn and fill my gas tank half-way, so it doesn't make sense to me. Can anyone help me on this one?

I know it's pride.  It makes me feel respectable when I can say to others, "I have to work that day," for example.  Where did this stigma come from?  This feeling that if I don't have a taxable income, I'm somehow less respectable?  When in reality, I'm working every day!!  Raising my son has been exhausting and hard work!!!!  My girlfriend and I have discussed whether it might actually be easier to take our sons to daycare and go to a desk job, where we can take breaks and have lunch without someone climbing on us and wanting to eat half our food. It is really exhausting to entertain someone all day!  I get to take a nap when he does, but I NEED a nap after raising him for a day.  If I worked at my old job at the Department of Human Services doing social work, I would still be extended because social work is demanding and draining, but I didn't need a nap everyday and if I need to stop and take a break for a minute, I can.  I can't do that when I want at home.  My son dictates what I do with 100% of my time. 

One thing I do know that helps me remember my worth is to think back to pregnancy, labor, delivery, and the first few months of DJ's life.  I had a tough pregnancy and you literally NEVER get a break from that for 9 months.  Labor contained the hardest 5 hours (total labor was 17 hours, but the beginning wasn't hard) I've ever experienced in my life.  And I am so proud of how I handled it!  I got an epidural at 5 cm because I was too tired to keep dealing with the pain, but it didn't work on the entire right side of my body, so essentially I had a natural birth, because I promise you one numb side makes zero difference when you have 100% pain on the entire other side.  And knowing that I made it through that without completely losing it and staying calm and as relaxed as I could reminds me of the strength I have.  Then the baby's born and it's immediately to work nursing and cleaning and changing, even though you're bruised, torn, sore, and tired - more tired than ever - is there a word that means more tired and exhausted than those particular words, because if there is, that is the word that should be used for those first few days after the baby is born. And then once I was home, it was 8 months of being tethered to that baby, nursing every 20 minutes sometimes, never more than  2.5 hours between feedings.  

Remembering all of that, I have unending self-respect.  But I have to remember all of that, and I don't know if I want to always remember all of that (especially if I want to have a second one) !  lol

Anyway, Dj is climbing and whining and hungry, so this concludes today's post.  It felt a little like complaining today, but I really just want to make sure that I document for myself what it really takes to be a decent mom.  :)

The boy who makes it all worthwhile playing in his cardboard box fort: