Suddenly, I Am Mom

I had an intensely meaningful dream this morning.  In my dream, I was in and out of sleeping, curled in the fetal position.  My body was sore (which is actually true from getting back to lifting weights two nights ago) and my Mom was there by me, awake.  I faintly remember her rubbing my neck and she said, "You've got some knots along the right side of your neck, so you're going to wake up with a sore throat." (I know that doesn't make sense, but it was a dream, lol.) Then, she started rubbing my hamstrings (I remember while I was lifting, thinking that I was worried that I was going to pull them when I was doing hamstring curls, because it was the first time I did them in so long).  Then DJ started crying and the monitor woke me up, so the dream ended.  But the thing that I remember so clearly from the dream was the feeling of being taken care of. My mom was there and she was taking care of me.  Even knowing that she was there made it so that I didn't care if my throat was going to be sore when I woke up (sore throats are my least favorite ailment). It was that magical feeling of safety and security that comes from MOM.  The way that when my son falls down and it scares him, I can just hold him and talk to him and it makes it feel better.  I didn't actually take the pain away, but somehow the mind is stronger than the body and Mommy can ease the scariness with a sense of security.  

I just have to note that here I am trying to write about being taken care of and my husband won't even let my write.  He keeps talking to me about a bunch of random stuff and it's so distracting.  I've told him so many times that it's virtually impossible for me to read or write when the tv's on or when I'm being talked to because I can't split my attention like that when I'm concentrating on something.  I don't even get to have a minute of my time while he's here!  My son is entertained with his toys, so I'm trying to write while I can, and it's still difficult.  Like, I should be entertaining D while I'm clearly journaling!  These are the trials of motherhood/wife-hood.  I would normally say something to him, but this is such a small price to pay and it would be a stupid argument that would not be worth the inconvenience of just dealing with this. 

So, two things about that dream are important.  The whole reason for the title of my blog. Suddenly, I Am Mom.  I remember when I was pregnant and almost ready to have DJ, I would think about my mom and what's she's done for me and my brothers (and my dad when they were still married).  The idea of me becoming that was overwhelming.  I just thought, "Can I fill those shoes?  Can I evoke these feelings in another human being?"  It seemed like an impossible feat.  Not that I ever questioned my ability to care for a child and a family.  Thankfully, that was one thing that I've always felt sure about.  It was just how amazing and giving and just plainly the way my mother makes me feel is something that I just felt was going to be impossible for me.  She's a saint.  Can I be a saint?

The second thing that this dream made me realize is my need for being taking care of for a change.  I'm actually shedding some tears, right now.  It's been so long since I've felt that feeling of having my mom care for me in a mother/child way.  And I mean, like a young child.  She was massaging my sore muscles right where I was worried it was going to hurt the worst and she was giving me a loving forewarning that I was going to have a sore throat when I finally woke up, but it was as though her telling me took it away.  I was relaxed.  I was safe.  I was dependent, instead of responsible.  Even though I was sore and uncomfortable, I felt better than I can remember feeling in SO LONG.  I didn't want to wake up.  And, it's not that I don't want to care for my son and my husband, I DO.  I love it, in fact.  But I just forgot what it felt like to be taken care of like that. 


There is a man here to measure for a potential balcony and patio out back, so that's it for now.  Exciting!  :)