The Big Picture

I love my son so much!  That sentence seems to downplay how it really feels to have him in my life.  That being said, I have spent the past week convinced that I am ready to have another baby.  But I think the reality is that I've made the decision that I want another one, so I've successfully built a little cabin inside where I've stored all the memories of pregnancy, labor, recovery, and the first about 7 months of DJ's life.  I've skillfully crafted rooms in that cabin to hold the truths about how hard I believe it will be to have a second and whether or not I truly believe that I can do it.  Because, I promise there was more than one time when I was sure that I couldn't handle raising DJ.  Mainly, when I was sick.  Those are the really hard times.  I think I'm either sick or coming down with something now actually, because I feel that utter lack of motivation to do anything other than get through the day.  And then to top it off, I have to go to work.  Ugh.  I don't mind work, normally, but I have to constantly smile and talk to people and when I'm not feeling good, that's the last thing I want to be doing for 5 hours.  At least, it's only for 5 hours.  :)

Anyway, the cabin has been looming in my view today.  Probably because when I'm not feeling tip top, it's easier for negative stuff to creep in.  I call it a cabin, because looking at the big picture, all of that was really an amazing time and resulted in the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced and I will revisit it like a vacation at some point later in life, it's just that right now, I'm reassessing my ability to parent more than one.

I still think I can do it (again, neglecting previous experience here), and I want to and it's really a matter of when.  If we really want another one, than we might as well do it this summer.  The sooner we do, the sooner that baby will be 1 year old and running around and fun.  It's truly the beginning that I'm not looking forward to.  The pregnancy, the nursing.  I love nursing, but I have a hard time with that constant obligation.  It gets REALLY old, especially when there is no break.  That's how I felt about pregnancy, too.  It was horrible and it lasted for MONTHS without a break.  Hopefully, a second will be different.  But right now, I'm rethinking the idea of having a second baby.   I'm trying to see the big picture, but it's difficult when you can't see the forest for the trees. 


Time to get some food in my belly and get ready for work.