Will I Ever Be Healthy, Again?

Here I sit on the couch in the living room on a Sunday, with A Little Curious on the television, my son DJ - 14 months standing at the coffee table watching his favorite show, while my husband D is taking a nap in our bedroom.  I am starting this blog because I have spent the past couple of years giving counsel to those close to me and I realized that I need to take a little time to give counsel to myself.  I haven't gotten into a good steady habit of journaling in the past, and I realized that because I can type much faster than I can hand write, I will be more likely to actually keep up with things this way.  Also, I hope to potentially give access to this blog to those to certain people close to me, because it may help them see that they are not alone.  I have found that to be a constant theme these days: people have been feeling very alone, lately.  Many times, I can simply give my example of feeling the same way in a situation, and that is all it takes to ease people's anxieties. 

But today, I'm going to ponder my own question.  Will I ever be healthy, again?  Is it normal that since my son has been born, I feel like I can't get on top of my health?  Are there other people that experience the same?  First my mono came back for the fourth time, then this gastroenteritis thundered through our house and now we're all coughing.  I already only work one day a week and to have to call in for that one shift because I'm sick?  Feels ridiculous.  But I'm SO tired, and today, my chest hurts when I breathe.  And even when I cannot specify an illness taking hold, there is just always this exhaustion that has accompanied motherhood.  I wish that I could have some affirmation that this is normal and that it will go away.  But the people I ask that have older children say they are STILL TIRED.  Ugh. 

Because my son is 14 months old, I'm beginning - I would like to emphasize BEGINNING - to consider the idea of having another child.  When I talk to mothers that stay at home with 2, they say it's wonderful, they say that it takes more preparation, that you have to time things so you can nap, etc., but they LOOK SO TIRED. They look like they were taken and tortured and just got released in time to get ready and come over.  Are they lying?  Are they trying to be nice and not discouraging?  Are they just trying to be a positive? Does having more money make it easier?  Maybe I'm just a type of person that doesn't function well without enough sleep.  But, I would hate to have a second child and end up being irritated by my first, who wants attention, when I'm tired or attending to a newborn.  I love my boy so much that the thought of ever shooing him aside because I don't have time or energy for him makes me so sad.

I wonder if I have the patience to be a mother to more than one child.  I wonder if I would regret having a second child, even a little.  I do remember at one point during the healing process after having DJ when I was feeling, "What have we done?  We have changed everything forever, and I'm not sure if I can do this.  I'm not sure if this is what I wanted."  Of course, it was never any question as to my son, specifically.  He is my sunshine and I love him more than anything, and there is no piece of me that regrets his creation.  Just the decision, the change, in general, I regretted one time, for a moment, when I was still healing.  And really, none of us have any idea what it's going to be like with a baby.  We have no idea how much it is really going to turn our whole lives upside down, until we do it. 

I guess, as with anything in life, we deal with it the best way we can, and we survive, and we move forward.  Maybe I have to give up this notion of feeling like I'm "on top" of things.  Maybe I have to learn to derive my comfort, happiness, sense of achievement, etc. from something else.  I'll think on that, until next time...