Oh, The Places You'll Go

It's been an interesting journey this pregnancy, thinking about, feeling, dissecting, and dealing with pain.  For example, I have spent the past 24 hours (even during the night, when I'd wake between sleeping bouts) with an extremely painful headache.  I refrain from calling it a migraine, although there have been sections of time when it probably qualified as such, like last night when I first went to bed and had to hang my head over the side into the puke bucket I keep there, because I was so close to vomiting.  But this morning, I thought to myself, "What if a doctor told me that I would have to live the rest of my life with this headache?"  I thought of this because I've been thinking so much about The Waiting Place.  For anyone who has read Dr. Suess' book, Oh, The Places You'll Go, you know what that means.  It's basically what it sounds like.  It refers to those times in our lives when we find ourselves waiting, holding our breath, telling ourselves that there is something better just over the horizon, or that whatever troubles we have will be over, if we can just give it time.  When you're in a job you hate, and you're waiting for a new one (or to retire).  When you're recovering from an injury, and you're waiting for life to go back to normal.  When you're dating and waiting to meet that special, right one.  When you're in school and you're waiting to graduate.  There are SO many examples.  And the trouble is that there always seems to be something to wait through or wait for. 

My waiting place is the first trimester.  I'm waiting for this exhaustion, pain, and nausea to subside, so I can go back to living somewhat normally (or at least get the opportunity to really enjoy the last few months I have with just me and DJ during the day and the three of us at night, before the new baby comes).  The problem with The Waiting Place is that life is passing by, wasted.  I will never get another shot at these past several weeks.  On one hand, it's okay, because I know there are simply painful times in life and if I have to experience that, I'd rather just get through it and be glad it's over, when it is.  But, on the other hand, time is precious.  I've found myself really fearful lately that something will happen to my son.  He is the one true joy in my life right now and if something were to happen to take him away from us, I don't know if I could go on.  I would, because there are other people who need me, but I can't even imagine having this other child, without the support of my son.  It's so amazing to me that at 2 years old, HE already provides support to ME.  I spent so many months feeling like I was being drained of everything in me, giving to him.  And yet, already, at 2, all it takes to give me courage to keep going through pain is for him to come up behind me and say, "Ma, hug," hug me and then with a sigh say, "Yuh You (Love you)."  And because of that fear of losing him, I find myself struggling to be aware of him all the time and truly appreciate every minute we have together.  It's a struggle, because I'm in pain and I want someone to knock me out for the next week, so that I can wake up in the second trimester and hopefully feeling much better.  But I can't well appreciate him if I'm hibernating, and I can't well appreciate him, if I'm suffering in my own body. 

So, that is the dilemma I face, today.  And it's not just about my son.  Specifically, today, DJ went to spend the day with Grandma and Grandpa, and Darnell is at work, so I have some me time.  So, I have to decide:

- Do I try to sleep, to pass the time and get through this pain faster? 
- Do I try to accomplish something, so that I feel good about myself, even though it could make me feel worse, physically?
- Do I relax and try to enjoy this quiet time that is so rare and precious? 

I guess, the truth is, I'll try to do all three of those things at some point, today.  And, I've even added in some reflection time, here, to remember how much I appreciate my son and my husband, who are everything to me.  And a side note: while I was driving home from breakfast this morning, I remembered for the first time in years, that the snow sparkles in the sun!  It looked like glitter covered everything the snow touched, and it turned my whole grey world into a warm sparkling fairytale, if only just for a few minutes.  And I loved it.