Getting Things Done

"Feeling undone. What have I become? When I turned my back on you, I turned my back on myself and became this machine. Thoughtlessness. Selfishness. Hopelessness. Arrogant.
Shadows in the sun filter through us. Still wrestle the demons that arrested me as a child. Confession rejected. We grow up to give up. People step on the cracks for wounds owed paid back through the words of surrender. Emptiness. Loneliness. Listlessness. Worthless. I feel it on the inside, twisting and contorting. Memory has shaped me once again. Still feel you on the inside, biting through and stinging. Will I ever forget to remember?
Surrender to the shadows haunting inside. Bleed through you. Surrender to the secrets...inside
Lies within you. Can't feel you on the inside. Set down the bag and left it. Lost memory has left me once again. Open up the inside. Admission for the cleansing. Now that I've forgotten to remember."
- Forget To Remember, Mudvayne

I'll get to those lyrics in a bit.  But first, I can't believe it.  I woke up this morning with an urge.  Don't ask why this was my first thought, but it was, "I'm going to clean out the cupboard under the sink in the bathroom, today."  Weird.  And I did it, too.  Maybe because it's just a small space, I felt that if I could just go through everything and clear it out, organize what's left, I will feel a sense of accomplishment, and maybe motivation to move on to bigger and better chores, like cleaning the baby's room.  {Laugh Out Loud}  Alas, no.  That won't happen until I get a day where one of the Grandmas takes DJ for a few hours.  But it did lead to laundry and feeling like I got somewhere today.  I did something worthwhile. 

Funny thing is, I raise our 14-month-old boy every day. Seems like that would make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile!!!  Just goes to show how our environment can skew our perspective on things.  I don't really leave the house much, so this big box is my world these days.  And thus the lyrics, above.

I Forget To Remember that there is a mother living under the mercilessly hot sun somewhere, with disease knocking on the flap of animal hide that serves as her door, raising four children that were forced upon her by a man in her village.  She uses her own saliva to keep her babies clean.  She nurses them with her milk for years, so they don't starve.  They sleep together in a pile on the dirt floor.  She protects her children from wild animal attacks, and probably loses one or more to snakes, spiders, scorpions, etc.  She can't even imagine my life.  She doesn't even have the capacity to understand that a place like my giant box exists in a beautiful place called Michigan.  And she is only one example far, far away from here.  I can list more that are suffering within 10 miles from where I sit, right now.  Freezing from no heat.  Mold creeping into little one's lungs, into her own lungs, making it even harder to do what she needs to do to keep her baby alive.

Thank God I have what I have.  Here is my "box":

Happy 30th Birthday, My Love!

Today is my husband's 30th birthday!  (I'm about to turn 33 in April, and most of his friends are my age, so it's old news for him, already, but we had fun, anyway.)  The only thing that gets me this far into the winter without curling up under the covers for 3 straight months, is my husband's birthday on Feb. 28th.  And this year, I had my son's first birthday on Jan. 6th, too, so it was even better!  Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), however, is in full effect, no question.  And then being sick on top of it, I feel badly for my husband, today.  He said, "Babe, I can tell in your demeanor that you don't feel well, at all."  I did manage to make him a fab dinner of steak and baked potato, with cupcakes and ice cream for dessert.  I think that made up for my "sickly demeanor", lol.  I'm pretty sure he was hoping for a special "gift" after the boy went to bed, but it just isn't in me.  Hopefully, the steak and potatoes were enough for tonight.  ;)

The real festivities were Friday and Saturday last weekend.  I set us up to have massages together Friday, then we checked in to a hotel where we got a room with a jacuzzi tub and went to dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant where the food was delicious.  Everything we did I either got for 50% off on Groupon, or through some other deal website like Restaurant.com.  It was nice having my brother and then my mother-in-law keeping the boy for the night, so that we could enjoy each other for a day!

Saturday, we got up and headed to our friends' son's first birthday party (always a blast to watch DJ play with other kids around his age, not to mention the refreshing flush of clean energy that engulfs me when I get to hug my girl, who I've known since we were in middle school, maybe before) and came back home in time to clean up and host a "surprise" party at our place with all D's friends.  It really wasn't a surprise, because the three of us got sick on Wednesday, so I had to tell him, in case he wasn't feeling up to it and I had to cancel.  But, luckily, it all went well.

But guess what... I'm EXHAUSTED.  lol  I can't wait until the day when I can blog and say that I'm NOT exhausted.  It has to happen, eventually, it has to.  I took two naps today and at 9:30pm, I'm ready to go to bed.  I can't help but laugh, because I sort of feel like a gerbil in an exercise wheel.  No matter how fast I run, or if I just sit in one spot and do nothing, I'm still in the same place, and I still feel just as tired.  lol

Tomorrow is the last day that I don't have to leave the house for something until into next week, so I guess I'll get started on my rest for the night.  Hopefully, between tonight and tomorrow, I'll be much closer to healthy.

As the saying goes, "Laughter is the best medicine," so here is a video of the first time that DJ ever laughed! 

Exhaustion, Part I

"Maybe the sky's falling down around the babies.  Maybe the world is going to spin out of control.  I don't care, anymore.  What if I quit today working for the man and said I had enough. Well, maybe I can.  It's all going to end, anyway.  Tell me doctor, what's the cure for the wicked man's blues?  Fly dragonfly."
 - Dragonfly, Shaman's Harvest


I pride myself on being a positive person by choice and through practice.  I wasn't naturally so.  I used to be a very negative person.  I'm sure that depression was a huge part of that and now that I've gotten into a place where depression does not run my days, keeping a positive perspective is easier.  But it did take a lot of realization, a lot of work, and lot of focus.  That's why it's interesting to me that I still love songs like Dragonfly that are so hopeless.  I guess I will always understand, even if I don't feel that way.  But I also see perspectives like that one as a beginning - it's seems hopeless, but there is hope there.  Because really, he's right... it is all going to end, anyway, so maybe he can stop working for the man.  It's actually a realization of freedom, in my opinion.  I have been there.  


I have to stop for a second to make it clear that I have not yet written a whole post in one sitting.  Just now, I stopped to get DJ up from a nap, prepare and feed him his breakfast.  Right now, he's eating some finger food in his high chair, so I have about 2 minutes to type some more.  Actually, he's already whining to get out of his high chair.  lol  

Just another thing to note about motherhood.  Even your own journaling time has to come second to the little one(s).  I am sure that given I stay at home with my boy, I have more opportunities to journal than a working mom, if she can do it at all.  But it is really important.  


Today is one of those days where I'm so tired, I could just sit on the couch and watch tv all day and let DJ play by himself.  He's still all phlegmy and coughing and I woke up with a sore throat.  Nevertheless, during his morning nap, I gave our 107 lb dog Prime a medicated bath for his thyroid-related skin issues that he so desperately needed.  Vet says that after about 6 months on this thyroid medication (he's already lost 10 lbs on the past month), his skin and weight will be normal.  I must say, it is nice having a clean dog sitting next to me.  :)  Anyway, seriously, I'm so tired, and I'm watching DJ, so I can't even maintain a thought process of any consequence, so I'm just going to wrap it up for today. 

Here's Prime at about 90 lbs, before the thyroid disease started:

Will I Ever Be Healthy, Again?

Here I sit on the couch in the living room on a Sunday, with A Little Curious on the television, my son DJ - 14 months standing at the coffee table watching his favorite show, while my husband D is taking a nap in our bedroom.  I am starting this blog because I have spent the past couple of years giving counsel to those close to me and I realized that I need to take a little time to give counsel to myself.  I haven't gotten into a good steady habit of journaling in the past, and I realized that because I can type much faster than I can hand write, I will be more likely to actually keep up with things this way.  Also, I hope to potentially give access to this blog to those to certain people close to me, because it may help them see that they are not alone.  I have found that to be a constant theme these days: people have been feeling very alone, lately.  Many times, I can simply give my example of feeling the same way in a situation, and that is all it takes to ease people's anxieties. 

But today, I'm going to ponder my own question.  Will I ever be healthy, again?  Is it normal that since my son has been born, I feel like I can't get on top of my health?  Are there other people that experience the same?  First my mono came back for the fourth time, then this gastroenteritis thundered through our house and now we're all coughing.  I already only work one day a week and to have to call in for that one shift because I'm sick?  Feels ridiculous.  But I'm SO tired, and today, my chest hurts when I breathe.  And even when I cannot specify an illness taking hold, there is just always this exhaustion that has accompanied motherhood.  I wish that I could have some affirmation that this is normal and that it will go away.  But the people I ask that have older children say they are STILL TIRED.  Ugh. 

Because my son is 14 months old, I'm beginning - I would like to emphasize BEGINNING - to consider the idea of having another child.  When I talk to mothers that stay at home with 2, they say it's wonderful, they say that it takes more preparation, that you have to time things so you can nap, etc., but they LOOK SO TIRED. They look like they were taken and tortured and just got released in time to get ready and come over.  Are they lying?  Are they trying to be nice and not discouraging?  Are they just trying to be a positive? Does having more money make it easier?  Maybe I'm just a type of person that doesn't function well without enough sleep.  But, I would hate to have a second child and end up being irritated by my first, who wants attention, when I'm tired or attending to a newborn.  I love my boy so much that the thought of ever shooing him aside because I don't have time or energy for him makes me so sad.

I wonder if I have the patience to be a mother to more than one child.  I wonder if I would regret having a second child, even a little.  I do remember at one point during the healing process after having DJ when I was feeling, "What have we done?  We have changed everything forever, and I'm not sure if I can do this.  I'm not sure if this is what I wanted."  Of course, it was never any question as to my son, specifically.  He is my sunshine and I love him more than anything, and there is no piece of me that regrets his creation.  Just the decision, the change, in general, I regretted one time, for a moment, when I was still healing.  And really, none of us have any idea what it's going to be like with a baby.  We have no idea how much it is really going to turn our whole lives upside down, until we do it. 

I guess, as with anything in life, we deal with it the best way we can, and we survive, and we move forward.  Maybe I have to give up this notion of feeling like I'm "on top" of things.  Maybe I have to learn to derive my comfort, happiness, sense of achievement, etc. from something else.  I'll think on that, until next time...