Today, I am making a list. Well, two lists, and I'm doing it because I HAVE TO. All this stuff has been swimming around in my noggin since my hubs and I started considering the idea of having a second child.
I'm going to start with the cons list because, these are obviously the worrisome objects and ideas, and then I can end on a positive note with the pros. I will double-star the items that have a stronger meaning or feeling associated for me. So, without further ado...
The CONS:
* A feeling that I won't deserve help. Where does this come from? The realization now that we had NO idea what we were getting into the first time we became pregnant and now we are well aware of what we're doing by getting pregnant a second time, and since it's a conscious choice, I feel less entitled to help when I might need it.
** The thought that with just DJ, we could provide him with twice what we will be able to after we have a second child (private school, extra-curricular activities, college, etc.).
* Pregnancy -
1. Exhaustion. 2. Acne. 3. Overall sweatiness, greasiness, and grossness. 4. Physical pain. 5. Fear of the unknown. (e.g. Will I be able to continue working the whole pregnancy? Will I be high risk for any reason? Will anything be wrong with the baby?) 6. Nausea. 7. Anxiety. 8. Depression. 9. My patience (or lack thereof) with DJ.
* Labor and Delivery -
1. Pain. 2. Pain. 3. Pain. 4. Nausea. 5. Pain. 6. Utter exhaustion. 7. Nightmarish terror.
* Post Delivery -
1. Soreness. 2. Stitches. 3. 2 weeks of bleeding, Dibucaine ointment, Tucks pads, and sanitary napkins the size of Texas. 4. Hemorrhoids. 5. Sits baths. 6. Having to deal with all of this with DJ hanging from my neck.
* Razorblades to the nipples (this is not literal, but any mothers who have nursed know what I mean).
** Being completely attached to another human being for several straight months during nursing.
* Keeping up with cloth diapers and wipes.
* Making baby food and feedings.
* Illnesses running rampant through the house and trying to deal with two kids when I'm sick.
** Will I be able to mentally handle a baby and a toddler at the same time?
* The chance that I might feel regret afterward and know that I can never turn back.
** Not being sure if it's the "right" or "best" thing for me, and our family.
** Another year of pretty much complete loss of independence.
* Clearly, I'm having commitment issues!!!
* Diaper and clothes changes SO many times a day.
* Won't be able to give as much one-on-one attention time to the new baby as we did with DJ.
The PROS:
* Family of four.
** DJ will have a sibling!
* Pregnancy -
1. Seeing/hearing the heart beat. 2. Feeling the baby move inside. 3. Teaching DJ about siblings. 4. Seeing DJ feel the baby move. 5. Seeing Darnell talk to and listen to the baby. 6. Bonding. 7. Knowing I'm in better shape this time.
* Preparing a new nursery in the other bedroom.
* Labor and Delivery -
1. The chance that an epidural might work this time. 2. Seeing my baby for the first time. 3. The first nursing. 4. Seeing Darnell's happiness. 5. The feeling of accomplishment after pushing.
* Post Delivery -
1. Seeing DJ's reaction to his new brother or sister. 2. Being able to avoid all of humanity (except my kids and D) for as long as I need to recover. 3. The knowledge that my father will be around to help and be a part of it all this time.
* The cooing.
** The LOVE.
* Seeing DJ love and care for his sibling.
** The idea that it won't be as difficult as the first time, simply because we've done it once, already.
* The notion that DJ's help might make things easier.
** Laying on the couch holding DJ and my other child at the same time.
* All the positive unknowns that I have no idea about because I only know what it's like to raise a baby up to age 21 months at this point.
** DJ having a playmate.
** Both kids entertaining each other and not always needing me for that.
* A potential best friend for DJ as he's growing up.
* The knowledge that we will have two children there for us in our advanced stages of life. DJ won't feel like he is solely responsible for us.
Okay, so I think that's everything. Little things are still popping into my head, but they are just variations of things I already put down. I've got DJ running around here requiring my attention, so my mind isn't focused on this topic the way it is when I'm laying in bed at night or in the morning, but I do feel a small relief now that I've written it all down. When it all comes down to it, I feel scared and excited. It's pretty balanced between the two, maybe a little more scared, because it's just my nature to worry. I guess I just need to continue discussion until I come to a point where I am not doubting myself.
