It Is Time

It is time that I write, again.  I've been so anxious and confused over the past week that I haven't even been able to figure out the words to say to express what is going on.  But today is Friday, I just dropped DJ off at his Granny's house for the day, because D works all weekend, so I have full parental duty for the weekend, and today is my day off.

I'm going to:

*take a hot bubble bath
*watch Super 8 Netflix movie
*paint my toenails (and maybe my fingernails, too!)
*blog - check
*nap
*add songs to my running playlist
*probably clean so that I feel like I've accomplished something
*run, if it stops raining
*go out and finish the walkway that I've been working on outside, if it stops raining:

Anything else, I haven't figured out, yet.  

But first things, first.  My old friend about whom I've previously blogged called me yesterday for the first time in more than one year.  She is coming home with her baby girl (2 mos old) for a week and wants to get together.  I don't even want to.  I said that I would be available because I'm really bad at saying no, but honestly, I just don't want the drama.  

Next, my relationship with my husband.  I haven't had a chance to write it out, but basically for the past few weeks, I've just been feeling like we're not even friends.  We're our son's parents.  That was it.  I was bored with him, I was lonely, and I was tired of the same nightly routines of watching tv after we put the baby down.  He wasn't noticing my pain.  All of these things are not normal for us.  But we chalked it up to being new parents.  Let me tell you new parents out there... DON'T DO THAT.  TALK.  Talk, talk, talk.  Even though it can often be explained by the new baby and parenthood, it will only get worse if you don't talk about it.  Even after the first time we talked about it a week ago, things didn't change much.  We stopped arguing as much, but I still didn't feel loved.  I still felt like a roommate.  

So, here's my task suggested by my girl Dylan and agreed upon by my hubs. 

     1. I feel loved when Darnell notices when I'm upset.
*Granted, I understand that it is my duty to try to always talk about things that bother me, and not be passive, but if I'm just upset and not feeling like it's anything I need to talk about, I simply want him to notice and say something to me about it.
     2. I feel loved when Darnell hugs me.
     3. I feel loved when Darnell turns off the tv and talks to me.
     4. I feel loved when Darnell wants to take pictures of me with DJ.
*I know that may seem weird, but when I see him holding DJ or playing with him, it lights a fire inside that reminds me what is important in life and I notice myself smiling so big, I can't help but want to capture that moment.  In addition, when I look back at my childhood, my mom is hardly ever in pictures and my memories of her from that time are so sparse, because she was always behind the camera, the organizer.  It makes me angry with my dad that he was so selfish not to think to take pictures of my Mom with us. So, I want it to be different for me and my children. It feels weird that all the pictures I have with my son, I had to take myself.
     5. I feel loved when Darnell calls me at his lunch time.
     6. I feel loved when Darnell wants to do something that I like, even when it's something he doesn't usually like.
     7. I feel loved when Darnell appreciates the improvements I make around the house.
     8. I feel loved when Darnell takes time to focus on my body and my needs in bed.
     9. I feel loved when Darnell breaks down my walls, when I'm not so comfortable.
     10. I feel loved when Cory looks at me in the mirror and sees me for all the good things I am and do and appreciates me just the way I am, instead of expecting so much more.

I went to my annual physical/ob exam Wednesday this week and came home so blue.  After 2.5 months of running, I was the exact same weight as I was in January at my last check-up.  Granted, I was up to 177 at one point after I got sick with mono over the holiday, and I can see changes in my body, like less fat and more muscle, but it was just so upsetting.  It's been a real challenge to keep running after that.  Like, it's not even worth it, at all.  I know that's not true, though.  I know that I'm healthier, stronger, and in better shape.  And I know that these things are SO important.  It's just very hard to continue doing something that is so difficult, when I'm not getting outwardly rewarded for it.  It's hard to remember that it's for health.  Health is so intangible at this age.  And the tangible things are lack-there-ofs, if you know what I mean.  For example, if I don't run, I wake up with aches and pains.  If I don't run, my back hurts when I pick up my son.  When I am running, these things aren't there, I feel normal.  It's awesome, but it's something that I have to force myself to remember, or I just forget and think, "Why am I doing this, again?"  Anyway, doc says less carbohydrates and more running, if I really want to lose weight.  Mom says keep doing what you're doing, lose 1 lb every 4 months and just be happy about your life.  It's hard enough for me to carve out 30 minutes to run 2 1/4 miles 3 times a week, and the thought of adding more makes me want to quit all together.  So, I'll take a compromise.  Less carbs, more just being happy about my life.  :)

I think I'll start to introduce my original children, because it makes me happy. That would be my pets. My children before I actually had a child.  lol  First, and not in order of age or appearance in my life, is Phoenix.  She's my only girl.  She and I are the only ladies in the house, so we have a special bond.  Here is a picture of her when she was just a tiny baby:

I named her Phoenix for three reasons.  1. She was found with 2 siblings in a dumpster behind a friend's business at less than 2 weeks old.  She was covered in spaghetti sauce, coffee grounds, and fleas.  I was getting my MBA while working full time and wanted a second cat, so that my first cat wasn't always home alone. I went to my friend's house to visit the little ones and see if I was interested.  I wanted a boy.  I wanted a grey kitty.  But when I sat on the floor with these little tykes barely walking, she crawled onto my knee and curled up and I was smitten.  One of her siblings went with another owner and the other went to the shelter.  Neither made it past 2 1/2 weeks old.  Meanwhile, I had to feed her milk, then milk mixed with wet food, then wet food mixed with dry food and literally wean her up to regular dry kitten food, because she was so little.  I spent around $300 getting rid of her fleas and her upper respiratory infection (this is what killed the other two), so as far as I was concerned, she was the Phoenix that rose from the dumpster ashes.  2. I was getting my MBA at the University of Phoenix when I got her.  3. In honor of Faux the Phoenix from Harry Potter.  Yep, I'm a dork.


But, before I knew it, she was a beautiful full-grown princess:

And the funny thing is, she is now the most healthy out of all of our pets!! 


She is jumpy.  She is needy.  She is whiny.  She sheds like her fur is on fire.  
But she cuddles like a baby, purrs like a generator, and just makes this house a better place to live.  I love my little Sweet Pea, Phoenix.